The past week has been tumultuous. Painful. Frightening. Dark. Lonely.
The consequences of my poor choices and bad decisions hit me like a tidal wave. I was thrashing in the storm of emotion and fear. I could barely catch my breath.
It's the darkest place I've been in many, many years. I didn't speak
these words out loud...until today...but last week, I really wanted to
die.
Yes. Die. The pain was that great. The fear that overwhelming. The loneliness that devastating. The darkness that overpowering.
I spent 24 hours straight curled up in a fetal position alone in bed contemplating the option to swallow every sleeping pill that was by my bedside. I continued to replay over and over every poor choice I have made, every bad decision I chose, every failure that I've experienced, every loss that I've had, every loss I've faced.
I declared more than once that I was not worthy of love, family or friendship. My time here was never going to be valuable. I. was. done.
I wish I could tell you that when I hit that dark, dark place that I called on Jesus. That I cried out for Him to save me. That I began to "cling to the Old Rugged Cross" or called one of my 3am friends. That I kept my eyes above the waves....I did none of that.
Why am I sharing this? Why put this "out there"? Why share such utter darkness with friends and strangers alike? Because I know that I am not alone....
The Bible says, "The temptations in your
life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful.
He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you
are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure." (2 Corinthians 10:13)
There is someone else who has experienced this fear, this overwhelming sense of darkness.
The scripture says that "He will show you a way out so that you can endure." See that? HE WILL SHOW YOU...I was barely able to lift my head, I couldn't find my way out, I didn't have the strength to crawl out of bed or even call His name...but He showed me that way out...He came to my rescue. He wrapped His arms around me in the darkness of my bedroom and enveloped me with a love unlike anything I've ever known. He. Just. Loved. Me.
He didn't ask me to DO anything...He just let me BE...and He still loved me.
The past 3 days I have heard two amazing sermons that I believe were divinely designed for just me. The first was from Lee Chatham at C3 Church on Sunday - Stand Still and Stay Calm. He brought me a word directly from God from Exodus 14:13-14, "But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”
That Word could not have come at a better time. You see, though I was no longer curled up in fear, I was still facing the same issues that caused me to plunge into the abyss the week before. But on Sunday, it was as if God Himself were saying "Debbie, stand still. Stay Calm. I will fight for you, again."
Then, this morning, as I was preparing for work, I heard a message from Clayton King...and the Word that God brought to me through Him was this...Fail Fast. Forget.
Philippians 3:13-14 says: "No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."
Forget the past. Stop looking back there. Yes, Debbie, you have made poor choices, bad decisions, experienced terrible loss...but LOOK FORWARD!
I'm in a different place today...not because of my own strength, or my great knowledge, or amazing will power...but because Jesus chose me. His strength IN me...not mine. Just read these scriptures:
"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." (Philippians 2:13)
"That’s why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ’s mighty power that works within me." (Colossians 1:29)
"Now
all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within
us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." (Ephesians 3:20)
"Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s
why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships,
persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak,
then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
Jesus taught me something powerful last week...it isn't my strength, my wisdom or my power...it is Him working in me.
Yes, there are things He has called me to do...but there are also times He just calls me to BE and trust Him.
I am thankful that He doesn't throw away the mess that is me...but He embraces me, loves me and walks me through...
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
"I, yes I, am the Lord,
and there is no other Savior.
First I predicted your rescue,
then I saved you and proclaimed it to the world.
No foreign god has ever done this.
You are witnesses that I am the only God,”
says the Lord.
“From eternity to eternity I am God.
No one can snatch anyone out of my hand.
No one can undo what I have done.” (Isaiah 43:2, 11-13)
I am His...and He will never let me go.
