Happy Birthday Little Bill!

My brother was named after my daddy.  So, to avoid any confusion, instead of the customary JoCo name (Johnston County - for those that may need a definition) "Junior", we called my baby brother "Little Bill."  

Little Bill called me "Ber" - his interpretation of Debra.  Of course I was only called Debra when I had done something wrong that needed immediate attention; thus, you would hear one of my parents say, "DEBRA LYNN!"  I suppose Little Bill heard "DEBRA LYNN" much more than he heard "SANDRA KAY" (my little sister).   Little Bill called Sandy, "Dee", I would encourage you to please make note that he didn't call her "Der" (for Sandra)...she obviously did not get in as much trouble as I....anyway, I digress.

"Little Bill" isn't a baby anymore.  He's 43 today.  He's a husband, a daddy, an uncle, a friend...but to me...he's my baby brother.   We don't call him Little Bill anymore either...now, he's Bill.  All grown up.    

Bill and I have laughed together, cried together, partied together, worshiped together.  Late night wrestlin', endless games of backgammon, snacking on tuna fish sandwiches and Doritos, listening to the scanner and then jumping in the car to race to the nearest accident or local catastrophe were just a few of the things that knit us together.  We've grown up together.  Other than my sister, he's known me longer than anyone else involved in my life.  

I've watched him walk through incredible pain and have seen him reach the mountain tops of joy unspeakable.  I've watched him grow from a little boy racing his Big Wheel, to a man who loves Jesus and loves people.  His life has been a real life Book of Job.  When I think of Bill, this verse comes to mind:

When Job prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes. In fact, the LORD gave him twice as much as before!  (Job 42:10)

I've seen him drive for miles to run a telephone cable for me...and seen him head to Haiti and Japan for a week or more to help the hurting.  

God has done amazing things in his life!  

He's not perfect.  He has flaws.  But he is MY brother.  He's perfect for me.  I love him so very much and am so very proud of the man he has become.  These verses remind me of how Bill and I have grown up together and how God has worked in our hearts and lives as brother & sister:

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.  Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.  Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:11-13)

I know that when God knit our family together he knew exactly who we needed in this life.   I am so blessed that He gave me Little Bill.

Love you Bill!!

Where are you?

But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9)

I heard God asking me that very question this morning.  "Where are you, Debbie?  I've missed spending time with  you."

Of course, He knows where I am.  He even knows the "why" I'm where I am.  He is such a gentle God.  Reminding me how much He loves me.  Reminding me that I'm not alone, I'm not a failure, I'm not second best, I'm His.  His daughter, His beloved, His chosen one.

In the last several weeks I've found myself in a drought.  Dry. Almost numb. My spirit scorched.  Just going through the motions.  Spiritually and emotionally spent.  

In typical Debbie fashion, I isolated myself.  Not sharing the deep core of what I've been experiencing, just trying hard to work through it.  (Old habits die hard).

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

See those words in red?  Those are the words that Jesus spoke over 2000 years ago.  And He spoke them again to me last night.  I was reminded that I wasn't created to carry these burdens.  He wants to take them from me.  He wants to trade my heavy yoke for His easy one.  His promise to me is he will give me rest, I just need to come to Him.  

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. (Isaiah 58:11)

So this morning, I come.  I come to sit at His feet and soak in all He has for me.  To rid me of the drought.  To water my very spirit.  To let Him teach me, guide me, love me.  To empty me of me, so I can be filled with Him.  This morning, my soul will find rest in Him.  

The Cost of Forgiveness

March 18, 2013, can be marked in my life as one of the most joyous days I have ever experienced.  My grandson, Samuel Bruce was born.  I had the joy of being by my daughter's side and witness with my very own eyes as Samuel made his way into this world.  

I was not alone with my daughter in that room, my ex-husband's wife was there with us.  I don't know her well, we haven't spent much time together.  So there we were, two moms and one daughter in one tiny room.  But there were two other things in that room that I experienced profoundly:  the miracle of birth and the miracle of forgiveness.

She and I held my daughter's hand, laughed together, cried together and took lots of pictures together.  We rejoiced and thanked God for the birth of our grandson.  What joy!!!  For any of you that know me, that truly is a work of God!! 

Ezekiel 36:26 says:  "And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."

For years I had a stony, stubborn heart when it came to my broken marriage.  I had prayed for a restored marriage.  I believed for a restored marriage.  I was clinging to the hope of a restored marriage.  God answered my prayer in March, 2012, when He clearly said "No, Debbie.  This marriage will not be restored."  

My dreams shattered, my hope waned, my heart broke..it was really my ex-husband's fault (okay, not really, but that was part of my stony, stubborn heart)...BUT GOD!

Isn't there always a BUT GOD?  

Forgiveness plays a vital role in living a life that is filled with peace, joy and happiness.  I'm pretty sure you can't fully live until you've truly forgiven.  Forgiven others...and forgiven yourself.  

I could never have imagined one year ago that I would ENJOY sharing one of the most blissful, life-changing, intimate moments of my life with my ex-husband's wife.  And yet, the beauty of forgiveness, allowed me to not only share it, but to be completely blessed through it.  

Mark 11:25-26 says:  But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.  But if you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins

Forgiveness is not pretending you haven't been hurt or overlooking the pain that some situation may have caused.  Forgiveness doesn't mean that a relationship will be reconciled or restored. 

Forgiveness is a choice.  A deliberate, conscious choice.  It is not a one-time event, but a lifestyle.  Most importantly, forgiveness is not a feeling.  It is an act of obedience to our heavenly Father.

So what is the cost of forgiveness?  What did I have to give up in order to fully experience the delight and happiness of the birth of my grandson?  Here's a short list:

I had to give up my right to be "right". (Whether I really was right or not).

I had to give up my right to be vindicated.

I had to give up nights of frustration and hurt.

I had to give up talking about how "wrong" things were.

I had to give up my occasional pity parties.

I had to give up my insecurity and fear.

I had to give up "my own way" and trust God!

But what did I receive??

I received forgiveness from my Father!

I received peace that passes understanding!

I received joy unspeakable!

I received laughter!

I received tears of happiness!

I received the beauty of life!

I received the hope of tomorrow!

I received a freedom that I cannot define!

I received a new tender and responsive heart!

I received more than I could ask or imagine.

D.L. Moody said, "I firmly believe a great many prayers are not answered because we are not willing to forgive someone."

I believe that is quite true.  

Samuel means "God has heard".   Yes, He has Samuel, yes He has!

Bitterness

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. (Hebrews 12:15)

So often I think I've overcome something. You know, a situation, a relationship or even a habit. And so often, I tend to walk in pride when I THINK I've overcome.

I was reminded yesterday that I have NOT overcome. I realized, almost accidently, that I had allowed a root of bitterness to take hold in my heart. It was disguised by an "I don't care" attitude...the Holy Spirit gently reminded me that I did care and that I was allowing anger and bitterness to fill me.  I was not dealing with this in a biblical, healthy way.

So what's a girl to do? Well let me tell you what I did!  I looked for someone to agree with me that I was right.  To affirm to me that anyone would be angry in this same situation, that it was unthinkable how I was treated.  I wanted to whine.  I didn't want to just fly through barn a couple of times, I wanted to build a nest and sit for a while and go over every detail of how wrong it was. 

But God!  You see, I already knew what Jesus wanted me to do, but like Jonah in Jonah 1:3 "But Jonah got up and went in the opposite direction to get away from the Lord." I too went in the opposite direction. I wanted someone to join me in my pity party. alas, no one did. Thank God for wise friends!
So, I did the thing I knew I was supposed to do. Go to God, His Word and His truths. 

He spoke so clearly to me. He reminded me of who I am in Him. He reminded me that His plan for my life may have some difficult situations, rocky relationships and take me to places that are very uncomfortable...but it is all for my good. All of it. And all He wants me to do is Trust Him....bring these weaknesses, these hurts, habits and hangups to Him, so He can heal them and teach me to be more like Him, to respond more like Him.  To be a bright spot even in my own darkness.


So today, I start fresh. I start anew....thanking Him for my weakness. Because it is in my weakness that He is made strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9). Too often I lean on my own understanding when all I really need to do is lean on Him.
Looking forward to walking into a new day with a new attitude and a smile!  Thankful His mercies are new everyday!!!

Train Up A Child

God spoke to me about this verse this morning:

"Train up a child in way HE should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 21:6, emphasis mine.

I began to ponder what this meant to me.  After all, all of my children are now young adults and living on their own.  I certainly still have influence in their lives, but the daily disciplining of a child is no longer one of my duties.

That still small voice of God was so very clear when He spoke to me..."Debbie, so often you are trying to direct your children in a way so that they do not make YOUR mistakes, instead of directing them the way I say they should go."  

Oh my, how true that is!  You see, my path has been quite crooked.  I have stumbled and fallen more times that I want to count.  My life has been broken, shattered and slowly put back together again....and the heartache has been so great that it is sometimes, even now, difficult to speak of it without tears streaming down my cheeks.

But isn't that exactly what brought me to the foot of the cross?  Isn't that why I have become so dependent on my Savior, leaning of the the everlasting arms?   Wasn't it every single loss, heartache and life altering mistake that brought me to Him?

I'm not saying that my children must go through that same path to find Jesus...and I'm not saying I just watch them jump from a cliff....but I am saying, that it isn't my job to direct them in a way that I do not want them to go..but to direct them in the way that Jesus wants them to go....no matter the cost.  No matter what it may seem like to me.

I do not want my children to make the same mistakes I did.  I do want all of my children to live for Jesus.  To love Him, to be world changers for the cause of Christ.  And my part in doing that is directing them in way He says they should go.

One of my favorite verses is 3 John 1:4: I have no greater joy than to hear than my children walk in truth.

So how will I do this?  Pray for and with my children when direction is needed, and let the Father speak before I do.

I'll keep loving them, praying for them and giving much grace and much mercy....just as He has done for me.

Happy Sunday!

My Sister, My Hero

I was an only child...for a little over 3 years...and then my little sister joined the family. Today is her birthday.  A little brother came along a few years later, I'll share more about that when his birthday comes along!

As I ponder the years of our lives, I realize, she is the one that has known me longer than anyone that is involved in my life.  

She has watched me go through so much in life, physical abuse, divorce, bad decisions, good decisions, happy marriage, another divorce.....and life change.  

And we have gone through so much together...our entire childhood, our mom and dad's cancer and their subsequent deaths, giving our lives to Christ, growing in Him and His love.

She is one of my greatest cheerleaders.  

She is so very often the voice of reason. 

I don't always agree with her...but I always listen...she knows where I came from...she knows what I've been through and she never judges me...ever.   

She knows my dreams. She believes in me.  I believe in her. We are great pair.

She speaks the truth in love...and has been the hands and feet of Jesus in my life more times than I can count.

She loves me.  She knows my heart better than just about anyone.  She is so very much like our mama.  She is my hero.  

She is a Proverbs 31 woman:

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. (Proverbs 31:25-26)

Happy Birthday Sandy!!!  I love you more than you can ever imagine!

 

He Watches Me

Loneliness permeates my soul...it envelopes me like a heavy fog...screaming silence deafens me.  My face is streaked with tears...my heart is heavy...my vision blurred.  It is Saturday.  It is beautiful outside....the sun shines brightly....the air is crisp.... still sadness overwhelms me.

I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life.  I thought I would have it all together. 

I don't.  I'm not sure I ever will.  I still struggle with depression, anxiety, loneliness...the list goes on and on and on.

BUT GOD...

I know this one thing...He is not surprised by where I am or how I'm feeling or what today looked like for me.  And He knew that the lyrics of this song would settle deep into my heart and warm my soul, so at just the right time He arranged for me to hear it today to remind me that He watches me....

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,

Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,

When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

• Refrain:
  I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
  For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

1. “Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
   And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
   Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
2. Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
   When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
   I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I love how He loves me...how He reminds me ever so gently that He is near.  I am so very blessed.  In the silence I can hear His still small voice.  I am loved.