The Cost of Forgiveness

March 18, 2013, can be marked in my life as one of the most joyous days I have ever experienced.  My grandson, Samuel Bruce was born.  I had the joy of being by my daughter's side and witness with my very own eyes as Samuel made his way into this world.  

I was not alone with my daughter in that room, my ex-husband's wife was there with us.  I don't know her well, we haven't spent much time together.  So there we were, two moms and one daughter in one tiny room.  But there were two other things in that room that I experienced profoundly:  the miracle of birth and the miracle of forgiveness.

She and I held my daughter's hand, laughed together, cried together and took lots of pictures together.  We rejoiced and thanked God for the birth of our grandson.  What joy!!!  For any of you that know me, that truly is a work of God!! 

Ezekiel 36:26 says:  "And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."

For years I had a stony, stubborn heart when it came to my broken marriage.  I had prayed for a restored marriage.  I believed for a restored marriage.  I was clinging to the hope of a restored marriage.  God answered my prayer in March, 2012, when He clearly said "No, Debbie.  This marriage will not be restored."  

My dreams shattered, my hope waned, my heart broke..it was really my ex-husband's fault (okay, not really, but that was part of my stony, stubborn heart)...BUT GOD!

Isn't there always a BUT GOD?  

Forgiveness plays a vital role in living a life that is filled with peace, joy and happiness.  I'm pretty sure you can't fully live until you've truly forgiven.  Forgiven others...and forgiven yourself.  

I could never have imagined one year ago that I would ENJOY sharing one of the most blissful, life-changing, intimate moments of my life with my ex-husband's wife.  And yet, the beauty of forgiveness, allowed me to not only share it, but to be completely blessed through it.  

Mark 11:25-26 says:  But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.  But if you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins

Forgiveness is not pretending you haven't been hurt or overlooking the pain that some situation may have caused.  Forgiveness doesn't mean that a relationship will be reconciled or restored. 

Forgiveness is a choice.  A deliberate, conscious choice.  It is not a one-time event, but a lifestyle.  Most importantly, forgiveness is not a feeling.  It is an act of obedience to our heavenly Father.

So what is the cost of forgiveness?  What did I have to give up in order to fully experience the delight and happiness of the birth of my grandson?  Here's a short list:

I had to give up my right to be "right". (Whether I really was right or not).

I had to give up my right to be vindicated.

I had to give up nights of frustration and hurt.

I had to give up talking about how "wrong" things were.

I had to give up my occasional pity parties.

I had to give up my insecurity and fear.

I had to give up "my own way" and trust God!

But what did I receive??

I received forgiveness from my Father!

I received peace that passes understanding!

I received joy unspeakable!

I received laughter!

I received tears of happiness!

I received the beauty of life!

I received the hope of tomorrow!

I received a freedom that I cannot define!

I received a new tender and responsive heart!

I received more than I could ask or imagine.

D.L. Moody said, "I firmly believe a great many prayers are not answered because we are not willing to forgive someone."

I believe that is quite true.  

Samuel means "God has heard".   Yes, He has Samuel, yes He has!

Bitterness

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. (Hebrews 12:15)

So often I think I've overcome something. You know, a situation, a relationship or even a habit. And so often, I tend to walk in pride when I THINK I've overcome.

I was reminded yesterday that I have NOT overcome. I realized, almost accidently, that I had allowed a root of bitterness to take hold in my heart. It was disguised by an "I don't care" attitude...the Holy Spirit gently reminded me that I did care and that I was allowing anger and bitterness to fill me.  I was not dealing with this in a biblical, healthy way.

So what's a girl to do? Well let me tell you what I did!  I looked for someone to agree with me that I was right.  To affirm to me that anyone would be angry in this same situation, that it was unthinkable how I was treated.  I wanted to whine.  I didn't want to just fly through barn a couple of times, I wanted to build a nest and sit for a while and go over every detail of how wrong it was. 

But God!  You see, I already knew what Jesus wanted me to do, but like Jonah in Jonah 1:3 "But Jonah got up and went in the opposite direction to get away from the Lord." I too went in the opposite direction. I wanted someone to join me in my pity party. alas, no one did. Thank God for wise friends!
So, I did the thing I knew I was supposed to do. Go to God, His Word and His truths. 

He spoke so clearly to me. He reminded me of who I am in Him. He reminded me that His plan for my life may have some difficult situations, rocky relationships and take me to places that are very uncomfortable...but it is all for my good. All of it. And all He wants me to do is Trust Him....bring these weaknesses, these hurts, habits and hangups to Him, so He can heal them and teach me to be more like Him, to respond more like Him.  To be a bright spot even in my own darkness.


So today, I start fresh. I start anew....thanking Him for my weakness. Because it is in my weakness that He is made strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9). Too often I lean on my own understanding when all I really need to do is lean on Him.
Looking forward to walking into a new day with a new attitude and a smile!  Thankful His mercies are new everyday!!!