Today, I woke with a heavy heart. Deep sadness weighed me down. My very soul ached.
I looked at this picture that my sweet Aunt Pat posted on
Facebook last night and wondered, “Where is that happy, little 3 year old girl
now?”
A tsunami of emotions flooded my very being as I remembered
the last 50 years. So much loss, so much
hurt, so many regrets, so many wasted years…the tears spilled over my cheeks as I just remembered.
Remembered the beautiful days of long ago…the
difficult days that have past…remembered Mama and Daddy and Grandma….remembered Friday nights at Aunt Pat & Uncle Ed's house playing with my cousins.....remembered when I was homeless....remembered
the births of my daughters……remembered my marriages (yes, that is plural)….remembered
my divorces (yes, that is plural, too)…remembered when the days seemed so long and our home was filled with laughter and tears and the chaos of raising children….remembered happier times….remembered
the darkest times….remembered the births of my grandchildren….remembered sicknesses…..remembered
deaths of too many that I have loved…...remembered the screaming silence of my home today.....I remembered it all.
And I remembered the depression.
I’ve battled depression since 1994, the year Mama died.
I know the hopelessness that can completely envelope you if
you do not seek help. Depression is not
a battle you win alone. Depression is defined
as:
de·pres·sion
(diˈpreSHən) – noun
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and
accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
So today, as that feeling of hopelessness began to overtake
my day and steal my joy, I cried out first to Jesus.
But in my distress I cried out to
the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears.
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears.
(Psalm 18:6)
And then I reached out to three amazing women in my life. Three beautiful, godly women that God has given
me to do life with. Three women that never
judge me because of my depression, or taunt me because of my fears and weaknesses
and have never used cute little phrases like “just snap out of it” or “a lot of
people are worse off than you” or “it’ll get better” … no these women pray for
me … but even more than that, they speak life to me. They speak His truth to me. They speak life when I’m not able to speak it myself. They speak to me with great love.
This is what speaking His truth in love looks like:
It is now
just after noon and my mood has already lifted…the darkness of depression has begun
to fade as the light of His great love shines brightly on me because Sandy, Anisa
and Gwen were the hands and feet of Jesus to me today.
Two people are better off than one,
for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But
someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close
together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?
A person standing alone can be
attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are
even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes
4:9-12)
You ladies
are my triple-braided cord of hope on earth…you are Jesus
with skin on. I love you with all that I
am and thank God for each of you.
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