Search Me, O God...

A week ago, I prayed this prayer: 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Psalm 139:23-24)

Throughout my journey, I’ve prayed this same prayer on occasion.  I must say that of all the prayers I pray, God always answers this one clearly for me.  This time was no exception.  Allow me to share.

Last night at church a sweet girl prayed over me.  I was weeping and couldn’t even ask for anything specific for her to pray for me…just to pray.  Since she had been in Africa on a mission trip for the last 10 days, she had no idea of my “search me” prayer…but the Holy Spirit did…and He spoke clearly through her…she prayed the heavens down…and I was weeping in agreement, until I heard her speak these words “God, if Debbie is being sarcastic in this season, open her eyes…”  I have no idea what was said after that, but I know this, the scales fell from eyes and my heart.  I was blind, but now I see.

For those of you who know me, you know that I have the ability to make people laugh.  I believe it’s one of the gifts God gave me.  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard, “you should be a comedian.”  But just like anything else in this world, it is easy to misuse the gifts God gives us. 

In less than 12 hours, (and I’ve slept 8 of those), God has given me a clear vision of how I have used this “gift” in ways He never intended for me to use it.  I’ve used it to hide from my pain, cover up my hurt, disguise my anger and camouflage my bitterness.  I’ve used it to tear people down, I’ve used it to build myself up…in other words…I’ve used this gift of humor and turned it into sarcasm. 

sar·casm [sahr-kaz-uhm] noun - (1) harsh or bitter derision or irony (2) a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark

Jokingly I’ve said a thousand times, “Sarcasm is my love language!”  Little did I know how true that was.  I was using sarcasm as my primary means of communication when I found myself in an uncomfortable or undesirable place.  Instead of being real, honest, transparent or taking the risk of looking foolish to someone…I would speak the injurious language of sarcasm.  

There is no way for me to completely grasp the hurt, pain and devastation that have been caused by my sarcasm. 

Jesus said:  And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you. (Matthew 12:36-37)

My heart broke as God revealed to me how I’ve used my words.  How careless I've been with such a beautiful gift to make people laugh.

So, last night I prayed that God would forgive me…and today, if I've hurt you with my harsh words or cutting remarks, please forgive me.  Forgive me for pouring salt into a wound instead of covering you with love and praying you through.  I am so very sorry.

20 years ago today the strongest woman I have ever known breathed her last breath and went to be with Jesus.  I cannot ever remember my Mama resorting to sarcasm for any purpose in her life.  I want to follow the example she gave me.  
 
Now, I have a choice.

Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! (Deuteronomy 30:12)

So, today, I will choose life.  I will choose to use my words to encourage, to nurture, to inspire and yes, even to bring humor…but they will be words of love, joy and hope.