It's Messy

So, I'm making my way back.  Back to my faith, back to my roots, back to my calling.  In doing that, I have made a committment to read (or actually listen) to the entire bible by the end of the year.  This morning's passages included the following scriptures: 

Abraham introduced his wife, Sarah, by saying, “She is my sister.” So King Abimelech of Gerar sent for Sarah and had her brought to him at his palace.  But that night God came to Abimelech in a dream and told him, “You are a dead man, for that woman you have taken is already married!” But Abimelech had not slept with her yet, so he said, “Lord, will you destroy an innocent nation? Didn’t Abraham tell me, ‘She is my sister’? And she herself said, ‘Yes, he is my brother.’ I acted in complete innocence! My hands are clean.”

Genesis 20:2-5 NLT

As I was listening, and preparing for the day, I realized there was a lesson for me in this old testament scripture.  You see, this is not the first time Abraham lied about Sarah being his "sister", it happened back in Genesis 12 too.  That was before God changed Abraham's name from Abram, it was also before God made his covenant with Abraham.  So after powerful encounters with God, Abraham is choosing to lie about Sarah being his "sister" again, beacuse of fear.  

Here's the beauty of this lesson, you see, I, too, tend to act on my fears, making rash decisions, not trusting God for the outcome.  And I usually find myself doing this because I created the messy situation.  It was my own doing.  I can still hear these words ringing in my head from my childhood "You made your bed, now you must lie in it."  Did you hear those too?  

What I noticed is that both times that Abraham created that messy situation - God stepped in.  God didn't stand back with His arms crossed, and a stern look, waiting to see how Abraham was going to explain this one....nope, He rescued Abraham.  And you know what else, God didn't reprimand him for the transgression either.

I had to soak all of that in this morning, because I have created more messy situations than I care to acknowledge and usually, I am grabbing a shovel and doing my best to dig my way out, only to have created a deeper mess.

So this morning, I laid down my shovel, and found myself resting in the arms of my Heavenly Father, knowing He sees me and He will continue to provide for me. He is the God of my messes.  He's yours too.    

Absent

I'll start this post by saying it's rather interesting that I've been led to write about absence on my blog that I have been absent from for almost four years..., oh the irony!  But I digress...let's go.

Merriam-Webster defines absent, as follows:

absent (adjective) ab·sent | \ˈab-sənt \ 

1: not present at a usual or expected place

2: not existing, lacking

3: showing a lack of attention to what is happening or being said, not attentive

absent (verb) ab·sent | \ˈab-sənt \ 

1: to keep oneself away

I’ve spent most of last night (sleepless) and today pondering on some recent (and not so recent events) in my life and this afternoon this word could not escape my thoughts.  It was as if there was a huge flashing sign pointing at me ABSENT!! 

These last few months, I have been absent.  Absent in many areas of my life.  If I’m honest, I really didn’t think anyone noticed – I didn’t even notice myself.  But today I noticed.  Today I felt the pain of absence.  My pain and other’s pain.  My own absence.  Everywhere.  Every day – absent somewhere that mattered – somewhere I needed to be present.  Feeling rejected, lonely, alone and shutout.  Which is probably how others felt while I was absent in their lives.  And those choices that I’ve made and the bed I now lie in, are the consequences that I must face. 

So, what does all this mean?  Am I just to trudge along in my sorrow and sadness and hope all gets better?  No!  I do not have to face this alone!  This is the first verse He reminded me of today:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

You see although I’ve been absent, my Savior has not been.  I cried out to Him today and asked forgiveness for my absence with Him.  Even though I have created a messy masterpiece of mistakes; even though I didn’t get it right time after time after time, He is still with me.  

Jesus reminded me today of these truths found in His word:

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.  (Zephaniah 3:17) He still delights in me and sings over me!

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.  (Psalm 139:13-18) He created me and knew all of my days, and still loves me!

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39) Nothing will ever separate the love Jesus has for me.  Nothing!

Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6) He will continue to work in me to complete His good work!

I may still feel lonely and alone and rejected - but the truth is, I am none of those things in Jesus.  

While I know He has forgiven me, I now must take the steps to seek forgiveness of those who I may have hurt, who felt rejected because of my absence these last few months.  While it was never, ever intentional, I am sure it was painful. 

Forgiveness is not a one-time event, it is a journey.  I’m starting this journey today, one step at a time.  💗

Pray, Mama, Pray

Mama, the kids are all grown up now.  Life is pulling everyone in different directions.  They have kids and husbands and friends and fiancé’s and ballgames and work and in-laws and the list goes on and on.  Remember Mama?  Remember what that was like? 

They laugh.  They cry.  They work hard.  They play hard.  They love hard.  Love is a battlefield.  They've been wounded.  Remember Mama?  Remember what those wounds did?  Remember the midnight crying, the mask you’d wear to hide the hurt?  Remember Mama?

Mama, kissing a wounded heart just doesn’t heal the sorrow. They’ve walked through real pain.  Real hurt.  Real anger.  Real loneliness.  Real rejection.  Real abandonment. Real fear.  Their hearts have been bruised and broken.  Tattered and torn.  The rose-colored glasses have dimmed a bit. The childhood dreams are a distant memory.  The fairy tale isn’t real anymore.  Life is hard.  Remember Mama? 

Mama, you can’t fix it.  You can’t make it better.  You can’t pretend it’s not there.  Mama, you aren’t their savior…Jesus is.

Mama, call out to the One who already knows what you need.  Rest fully in His promises. Know He hears your cries Mama.  And while the cries of your own children pierce your heart and trouble your soul, cease your worrying Mama.  Jesus hears their cries too.

Cries of pain. 
Cries of hurt.
Cries of anger.
Cries of loneliness.
Cries of rejection.
Cries of abandonment.
Cries of fear.

Mama, He knows the journey they must travel.  He will walk it with them.  He is the only One who can heal the pain, the hurt, the anger, the loneliness, the rejection, the abandonment, the fear…He is the One who will give them beauty for their ashes.  Remember Mama?  He did it for you.  He will do it for them too. 

So, Mama, fall on your knees and cry out to Jesus.  He’s already answering your prayer.  He’s already made a way where there seemed no way.  The battle is fought on your knees Mama.  The battle is the Lord's.

Keep praying Mama, keep praying.

The fewer the words the better prayer.  ~ Martin Luther

Feel It...

A solitary tear gently rolls down my cheek.

Tears begin to slowly spill from my eyes.

Do not blink.

Do not blink.

DO.NOT.BLINK.

My eyelids flicker, no longer able to hold back the flood of tears, and they cascade down my cheeks. 

I really do not want to cry.

Not now.  Not today.

I do not want these tears to fall.

I do not want…

I do not want to…

I do not want to feel….yes…that’s it…FEEL…

I.DO.NOT.WANT.TO.FEEL.THIS.PAIN.

Rising from the desolate places deep within my soul, the familiar anguish of loneliness and rejection and abandonment and death begin to consume all of who I am.   The intensity startles me…. 

The darkness of depression looms perilously close.

The tears WILL.NOT.STOP.

BREATHE…JUST BREATHE….

Feel what you are feeling Debbie.  FEEL IT…FEEL IT … FEEL ALL OF IT…BUT do not let these feelings DEFINE YOU.

Debbie, you are NOT what you feel. 

No matter how many tears fall. 

No matter how deep the hurt. 

No matter how dark the night. 

You are so much more that what you feel.

You are precious.  Even if you don’t feel precious. 

Because you are precious in My eyes, and honored and I love you…(Isaiah 43:4)

You are loved.  Even if you don’t feel loved. 

For the mountains may move and hills disappear, but even then My faithful love for you will remain.  (Isaiah 54:10)

You are wanted.  Even if you don’t feel wanted. 

I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.  Before you were born I set you apart.  (Jeremiah 1:5)

You are chosen.  Even if you don’t feel chosen. 

You did not choose Me, but I chose you.  (John 15:16)

You have purpose.  Even if you don’t feel that you have purpose. 

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

You have destiny.  Even if you don’t feel that you have destiny. 

And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  (Philippians 1:6)

You matter.  Even if you don’t feel like you matter. 

I am your Creator.  You were in My care even before you were born.  (Isaiah 44:2)

My tears have now subsided …my makeup is a mess, but my heart is full.   

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.  He heard me from His sanctuary; My cry to Him reached His ears.  He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters.  He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in Me.  (Psalm 18:6, 16, 19)

I’ve finished the day strong…not because I am strong…but because His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

He collected my tears and carefully recorded my sorrows.  (Psalm 56:8)  He drew near to me (Psalm 145:18) as I cried out for Him.

He answered…He always does.  Always.  Every.Single.Time. He is faithful.

Weeping may last through the night but joy comes with the morning!  (Psalm 30:5)

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones - But Words May Kill Me.

Words.  It is said that a woman speaks about 20,000 words a day.  That is a lot of words.  A lot.

Recently while working on a chapter regarding the “Power of Your Words” in a study that I am involved in, “Living in Freedom Every Day”, as I began to dive into the chapter, I had the mindset of “already know it…got it…let’s fill in the blanks and move on”.  But that isn’t what happened at all.  Not even close. 

As I was reading the chapter and looking up and writing out the scripture associated with it, Jesus spoke to me so gently … “Debbie, there are words that were spoken to you and over you, as a child, and even up until this very day, that you relive almost daily.  Those words are creating death in your life.   Replace those lies that were spoken with my truth.  Receive the life I have created for you.”

An avalanche of words crashed through my mind, as I collapsed in tears, weeping and almost hearing the voices of those who spoke these words to me.

“Debbie, you are lazy!”

“Debbie you are so selfish!”

“Debbie, you will never amount to anything!”

“Debbie, you will never be able to handle money!”

“Debbie, I never loved you!  Nobody will ever love you!”

“Debbie, you’re such an idiot!”

“Debbie, you are just psycho!”

“Debbie, you were such a terrible mother!”

The list is much longer – but you get the picture…these words…some spoken to me from others, some I spoke over myself – all of them hurt.  They hurt deeply.  It is said "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  That is a lie straight from the pits of hell.  Words can kill me.

Then, I remembered those words that I spoke over others….

“You will end up in jail!”

“You’re such an idiot!”

“You NEVER listen!”

“You are so selfish!”

“Stupid!”

I crumbled beneath the weight of the words I have spoken to those I profess to love and care about.  And I wept...My words were speaking death to their lives. 

BUT GOD…

As I cried out to Him seeking forgiveness to those that I have hurt with my words, He lifted me from that dark heap of emotion and sorrow…and pointed me to His word.

You see, God used words to speak into existence all that was…just read Genesis.

Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. (Genesis 1:3)

And he continued to "speak" for six (6) days.  Creating life.

So God showed us the power of words in the very beginning.  If words were important to Him, shouldn’t they be to us?

Our words are either building up or tearing down...speaking life or speaking death.

His Word is clear regarding the power of our words.  Let’s look at just a few scriptures:

Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.  (Proverbs 12:18)

Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.  (Proverbs 13:3)

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. (Proverbs 15:1)

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.  (Proverbs 15:4)

Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.  (Proverbs 16:24)

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.  (Proverbs 18:21)

So today, if like me, you have had words of destruction spoken over you (or, like me, you’ve spoken them to yourself) or like me, you’ve spoken them to others…let’s make today, the first day of the rest of our lives in being INTENTIONAL about what words we think and speak to others and to ourselves. 

If words bring death or life – let’s choose life!

How do we do that?  By replacing those thoughts with God’s truth. 

Here are a few examples:

“Debbie, you are lazy!” – God’s truth is “I am fearfully and wonderfully made!” (Psalm 139:14)

“Debbie you are so selfish!” – God’s truth is “He is the vine and I am the branch, if I remain in Him, I will bear much fruit!”  (John 15:4-5)

“Debbie, you will never amount to anything!” – God’s truth is “He has plans for me!  Plans for good and not for disaster, to give me a future and a hope!” (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Debbie, you will never be able to handle money!” – God’s truth is “I can do ALL things through Christ!” (Philippians 4:13) and “God will provide ALL my needs!” (Phillipians 4:19)

“Debbie, I never loved you! Nobody will ever love you!” – God’s truth is “I have loved you with an everlasting love!” (Jeremiah 31:3)

“Debbie, you’re such an idiot!” – God’s truth is “I was made in His image!" (Genesis 1:27) 

“Debbie, you are just psycho!” – God’s truth is “I am new in Christ! The old is gone – the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

“Debbie, you were such terrible mother!” – God’s truth is “He will give back to me what was lost” (Joel 2:25) and “He cast my sin as far as the east is from the west!” (Psalm 103:12)

And how will I respond to (and about) others that I previously spoke death?  Let me share some of those examples too.

 “You will end up in jail!” - God's truth is, "I am confident that God will complete the work He has begun in you!" (Philippians 1:6)

“You’re such an idiot!” - God's truth is, "You are God's treasured possession!" (Deuteronomy 7:6)

 

“You NEVER listen!” - God's truth is, Debbie, avoiding a fight is a mark of honor.  This time, just be quiet! (Proverbs 20:3)

“You are so selfish!” - God's truth is, Debbie, from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.  Examine yourself first and just be quiet! (Luke 6:45)

“Stupid!”- God's truth is, Debbie, whoever guards his mouth, preserves his life.  Just be quiet! (Proverbs 13:3)

 You'll notice most of the time, I should have just chosen to be quiet.  So before we speak, let us THINK

T - Is it True?

H - Is is Helpful?

I - Is it Inspiring?

N- Is it Necessary?

K - Is it Kind?

If I cannot answer a resounding YES! to all of those questions, then it probably doesn't need to be said.

Today, I’m asking forgiveness to those whom I’ve spoken words of death and I’m making a decision today that I will speak life to and about those people God has placed in my path.  

For His word also reminds me of this: 

A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart.  And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak.  The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you. (Matthew 12:35-37 - emphasis mine)

And just one more scripture comes to my mind as I end this writing:

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live (Deuteronomy 30:19)

What will you choose today?  The choice is yours.