dear daughter,
i woke this morning and thought of you.
i thought of how incredibly beautiful you are.
i thought of how you can make me laugh without even trying.
i thought of how you handle life so much better than i ever did at your age.
i thought of how wonderful it is to be your mom.
i thought of how much i miss you some days.
i thought of how thankful i am that you are my daughter.
i thought of the mistakes i made as your mom.
i thought of the journey you've had so far.
i thought of the heartbreaking moments you've shared with me.
and the moments you couldn't share with me.
i thought of your unwavering tenacity to push through the difficulties you've faced.
i thought of the prayers i have prayed...for you...and the prayers i have prayed for me.
i thought of the little girl that you used to be and the amazing woman you are.
i thought of the dreams you must dream.
i thought of the fears that you've overcome.
i thought of how deeply i love all of who you are.
and then i thought of how much i adore you....i simply adore you.
love,
mama
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Monday, May 18, 2015
Where I Am Right Now...
The last two days have been filled with some incredible lows. I've dealt with these moments since 1994...sometimes they just cloud my day...you know, just seems the sun doesn't shine quite as bright...but then, there are times I find myself completely immersed in the pit of despair, as if I were in the depths of a musky, caliginous cavern unable to see the light. That's where I was Sunday.
Funny thing about Sunday...if you saw me, you probably didn't even notice the depth of my sadness. I've mastered the "I'm fine" look...I'm sure you have too. You see, I attended church, gleefully chatted with friends there, picked up my granddaughter afterwards, spent the afternoon with her and some of my closest friends at a dance recital. I laughed, I smiled, I fit right in....To the world, I looked "okay"...but on the inside I was screaming...alone in a crowd. Meandering through the labyrinth of my darkness...trying to find my way out...
There was one small moment on Sunday that rescued me....I didn't even recognize it at the time...I thought it was actually for someone else...turns out, it was meant for me.
The very first thing I have learned to do, is when I'm feeling like this, I MUST go to church...even if I don't want to...I've learned that the enemy would rather have me home wallowing in the darkness...BUT GOD...He always has a plan..
I was sitting in the worship center Sunday morning before the service and there is always worship music playing. Most of the time I couldn't tell you even one song that was played but yesterday was different. Sitting alone, these words reached deep into my very soul: God your plan is the best, but my heart is a mess. I'm wondering why I'm here. I'm so ready to be moving on, in my head I'm already gone. But Your voice is crystal clear.
I immediately grabbed my phone and googled the lyrics...then posted it to Facebook for someone I knew would connect with the words of the song.
But this morning, I realized it was me that needed that song and those words...You see, my heart is still a mess sometimes...and I do wonder why I'm here...I could go on and on about where I thought I'd be...but that's not where I am....
On my drive to work this morning I listened to this song over and over and over - 7 times exactly in case you were wondering. Praying...asking God to speak to me about what I needed to do to deal with the hurt that I'm feeling and how to see the joy and beauty in today.....and He, as always was faithful...
Thank you Jared Anderson for such a powerful song.
So...what did I do after listening to this song 7 times straight? I wrote a letter...and then burned it. There is something that breaks off within me when I'm honest and write down everything that I'm feeling about something...or someone. Then burning it is my symbol of releasing it all to God. There are times when there need to be conversations with people that have hurt you...and there are times that you need to release what you are feeling and let God handle the rest...wisdom is knowing the difference.
I've had the conversation before...now I needed to write the letter...and now...I'm feeling light, refreshed and renewed. You see, Jesus said, in Matthew 11:30 "For My yoke is easy, and my burden is light." What I was carrying was too heavy...I realized I wasn't meant to carry it all.
So if today your burden is heavy, your heart is aching, you're searching for the joy you once had...give it to Jesus...He's with you where you are right now...and maybe write a letter and burn it.
Funny thing about Sunday...if you saw me, you probably didn't even notice the depth of my sadness. I've mastered the "I'm fine" look...I'm sure you have too. You see, I attended church, gleefully chatted with friends there, picked up my granddaughter afterwards, spent the afternoon with her and some of my closest friends at a dance recital. I laughed, I smiled, I fit right in....To the world, I looked "okay"...but on the inside I was screaming...alone in a crowd. Meandering through the labyrinth of my darkness...trying to find my way out...
There was one small moment on Sunday that rescued me....I didn't even recognize it at the time...I thought it was actually for someone else...turns out, it was meant for me.
The very first thing I have learned to do, is when I'm feeling like this, I MUST go to church...even if I don't want to...I've learned that the enemy would rather have me home wallowing in the darkness...BUT GOD...He always has a plan..
I was sitting in the worship center Sunday morning before the service and there is always worship music playing. Most of the time I couldn't tell you even one song that was played but yesterday was different. Sitting alone, these words reached deep into my very soul: God your plan is the best, but my heart is a mess. I'm wondering why I'm here. I'm so ready to be moving on, in my head I'm already gone. But Your voice is crystal clear.
I immediately grabbed my phone and googled the lyrics...then posted it to Facebook for someone I knew would connect with the words of the song.
But this morning, I realized it was me that needed that song and those words...You see, my heart is still a mess sometimes...and I do wonder why I'm here...I could go on and on about where I thought I'd be...but that's not where I am....
On my drive to work this morning I listened to this song over and over and over - 7 times exactly in case you were wondering. Praying...asking God to speak to me about what I needed to do to deal with the hurt that I'm feeling and how to see the joy and beauty in today.....and He, as always was faithful...
Thank you Jared Anderson for such a powerful song.
So...what did I do after listening to this song 7 times straight? I wrote a letter...and then burned it. There is something that breaks off within me when I'm honest and write down everything that I'm feeling about something...or someone. Then burning it is my symbol of releasing it all to God. There are times when there need to be conversations with people that have hurt you...and there are times that you need to release what you are feeling and let God handle the rest...wisdom is knowing the difference.
I've had the conversation before...now I needed to write the letter...and now...I'm feeling light, refreshed and renewed. You see, Jesus said, in Matthew 11:30 "For My yoke is easy, and my burden is light." What I was carrying was too heavy...I realized I wasn't meant to carry it all.
So if today your burden is heavy, your heart is aching, you're searching for the joy you once had...give it to Jesus...He's with you where you are right now...and maybe write a letter and burn it.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
The Revelation by Sandy Gibbs, Guest Blogger and Little Sister
Today's post is from guest blogger, Sandy Gibbs...my little sister. Sandy and her husband Ellis moved to Lexington, KY just over a year ago. Sandy's has written often about her experience in moving...this is one that I asked her if I could share with you, my readers.
Thank you Sandy! Your vulnerability and transparency through your journey is sure to help many! Love you sis!!
******
I'm not completely there yet. Still very emotional. But I'm certainly on a better path.
I wrote this last week.
The Revelation
My husband and I moved to Lexington, KY in January 2014. Left a place I called home for over 40 years. Left my adult children, brother, sister, in-laws, many nieces and nephews. Left a church I attended since 1996. Left everything familiar.
The move was a direct leading from God and being obedient was important. I thought I moved willingly. My willingness, however, was only surface deep. I figured I would come to Lexington, do the "work" God had for us and then back to "home".
I have cried nearly everyday since I've been in KY. Praying for answers, praying for direction, praying "Why?" All I could keep saying is "I want to go back!" But I knew that would be completely against what God wanted. So, then my new philosophy was "fake it until you make it". Then I realized nothing would please satan more than for me to fall short of God's plan.
So after a lot of communing with God, the revelation came. There is no "going back". Even though it's only been a little over a year, many things have changed back home.
There is no going back to my job (there is someone else doing that job). Church, well, many things there have changed, also. Even my house is not the same. Of course, my family is still there but things with them will always be changing too.
It's time to "live" here, in Lexington. Not just survive. This is not a sentence I've been given. This is an opportunity for God to be glorified. It's time for me to be a willing/working participant.
Thank you Sandy! Your vulnerability and transparency through your journey is sure to help many! Love you sis!!
******
I'm not completely there yet. Still very emotional. But I'm certainly on a better path.
I wrote this last week.
The Revelation
My husband and I moved to Lexington, KY in January 2014. Left a place I called home for over 40 years. Left my adult children, brother, sister, in-laws, many nieces and nephews. Left a church I attended since 1996. Left everything familiar.
The move was a direct leading from God and being obedient was important. I thought I moved willingly. My willingness, however, was only surface deep. I figured I would come to Lexington, do the "work" God had for us and then back to "home".
I have cried nearly everyday since I've been in KY. Praying for answers, praying for direction, praying "Why?" All I could keep saying is "I want to go back!" But I knew that would be completely against what God wanted. So, then my new philosophy was "fake it until you make it". Then I realized nothing would please satan more than for me to fall short of God's plan.
So after a lot of communing with God, the revelation came. There is no "going back". Even though it's only been a little over a year, many things have changed back home.
There is no going back to my job (there is someone else doing that job). Church, well, many things there have changed, also. Even my house is not the same. Of course, my family is still there but things with them will always be changing too.
It's time to "live" here, in Lexington. Not just survive. This is not a sentence I've been given. This is an opportunity for God to be glorified. It's time for me to be a willing/working participant.
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