Where I Am Right Now...

The last two days have been filled with some incredible lows.  I've dealt with these moments since 1994...sometimes they just cloud my day...you know, just seems the sun doesn't shine quite as bright...but then, there are times I find myself completely immersed in the pit of despair, as if I were in the depths of a musky, caliginous cavern unable to see the light.  That's where I was Sunday.

Funny thing about Sunday...if you saw me, you probably didn't even notice the depth of my sadness.  I've mastered the "I'm fine" look...I'm sure you have too.  You see, I attended church, gleefully chatted with friends there, picked up my granddaughter afterwards, spent the afternoon with her and some of my closest friends at a dance recital.  I laughed, I smiled, I fit right in....To the world, I looked "okay"...but on the inside I was screaming...alone in a crowd.  Meandering through the labyrinth of my darkness...trying to find my way out...

There was one small moment on Sunday that rescued me....I didn't even recognize it at the time...I thought it was actually for someone else...turns out, it was meant for me.

The very first thing I have learned to do, is when I'm feeling like this, I MUST go to church...even if I don't want to...I've learned that the enemy would rather have me home wallowing in the darkness...BUT GOD...He always has a plan..

I was sitting in the worship center Sunday morning before the service and there is always worship music playing.  Most of the time I couldn't tell you even one song that was played but yesterday was different.  Sitting alone, these words reached deep into my very soul:  God your plan is the best, but my heart is a mess.  I'm wondering why I'm here.  I'm so ready to be moving on, in my head I'm already gone.  But Your voice is crystal clear.

I immediately grabbed my phone and googled the lyrics...then posted it to Facebook for someone I knew would connect with the words of the song.

But this morning, I realized it was me that needed that song and those words...You see, my heart is still a mess sometimes...and I do wonder why I'm here...I could go on and on about where I thought I'd be...but that's not where I am....

On my drive to work this morning I listened to this song over and over and over - 7 times exactly in case you were wondering.  Praying...asking God to speak to me about what I needed to do to deal with the hurt that I'm feeling and how to see the joy and beauty in today.....and He, as always was faithful...


Thank you Jared Anderson for such a powerful song.


So...what did I do after listening to this song 7 times straight?  I wrote a letter...and then burned it.  There is something that breaks off within me when I'm honest and write down everything that I'm feeling about something...or someone.  Then burning it is my symbol of releasing it all to God.  There are times when there need to be conversations with people that have hurt you...and there are times that you need to release what you are feeling and let God handle the rest...wisdom is knowing the difference.

I've had the conversation before...now I needed to write the letter...and now...I'm feeling light, refreshed and renewed. You see, Jesus said, in Matthew 11:30 "For My yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  What I was carrying was too heavy...I realized I wasn't meant to carry it all. 

So if today your burden is heavy, your heart is aching, you're searching for the joy you once had...give it to Jesus...He's with you where you are right now...and maybe write a letter and burn it.