The Cost of Forgiveness

March 18, 2013, can be marked in my life as one of the most joyous days I have ever experienced.  My grandson, Samuel Bruce was born.  I had the joy of being by my daughter's side and witness with my very own eyes as Samuel made his way into this world.  

I was not alone with my daughter in that room, my ex-husband's wife was there with us.  I don't know her well, we haven't spent much time together.  So there we were, two moms and one daughter in one tiny room.  But there were two other things in that room that I experienced profoundly:  the miracle of birth and the miracle of forgiveness.

She and I held my daughter's hand, laughed together, cried together and took lots of pictures together.  We rejoiced and thanked God for the birth of our grandson.  What joy!!!  For any of you that know me, that truly is a work of God!! 

Ezekiel 36:26 says:  "And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart."

For years I had a stony, stubborn heart when it came to my broken marriage.  I had prayed for a restored marriage.  I believed for a restored marriage.  I was clinging to the hope of a restored marriage.  God answered my prayer in March, 2012, when He clearly said "No, Debbie.  This marriage will not be restored."  

My dreams shattered, my hope waned, my heart broke..it was really my ex-husband's fault (okay, not really, but that was part of my stony, stubborn heart)...BUT GOD!

Isn't there always a BUT GOD?  

Forgiveness plays a vital role in living a life that is filled with peace, joy and happiness.  I'm pretty sure you can't fully live until you've truly forgiven.  Forgiven others...and forgiven yourself.  

I could never have imagined one year ago that I would ENJOY sharing one of the most blissful, life-changing, intimate moments of my life with my ex-husband's wife.  And yet, the beauty of forgiveness, allowed me to not only share it, but to be completely blessed through it.  

Mark 11:25-26 says:  But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.  But if you refuse to forgive, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins

Forgiveness is not pretending you haven't been hurt or overlooking the pain that some situation may have caused.  Forgiveness doesn't mean that a relationship will be reconciled or restored. 

Forgiveness is a choice.  A deliberate, conscious choice.  It is not a one-time event, but a lifestyle.  Most importantly, forgiveness is not a feeling.  It is an act of obedience to our heavenly Father.

So what is the cost of forgiveness?  What did I have to give up in order to fully experience the delight and happiness of the birth of my grandson?  Here's a short list:

I had to give up my right to be "right". (Whether I really was right or not).

I had to give up my right to be vindicated.

I had to give up nights of frustration and hurt.

I had to give up talking about how "wrong" things were.

I had to give up my occasional pity parties.

I had to give up my insecurity and fear.

I had to give up "my own way" and trust God!

But what did I receive??

I received forgiveness from my Father!

I received peace that passes understanding!

I received joy unspeakable!

I received laughter!

I received tears of happiness!

I received the beauty of life!

I received the hope of tomorrow!

I received a freedom that I cannot define!

I received a new tender and responsive heart!

I received more than I could ask or imagine.

D.L. Moody said, "I firmly believe a great many prayers are not answered because we are not willing to forgive someone."

I believe that is quite true.  

Samuel means "God has heard".   Yes, He has Samuel, yes He has!

Bitterness

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. (Hebrews 12:15)

So often I think I've overcome something. You know, a situation, a relationship or even a habit. And so often, I tend to walk in pride when I THINK I've overcome.

I was reminded yesterday that I have NOT overcome. I realized, almost accidently, that I had allowed a root of bitterness to take hold in my heart. It was disguised by an "I don't care" attitude...the Holy Spirit gently reminded me that I did care and that I was allowing anger and bitterness to fill me.  I was not dealing with this in a biblical, healthy way.

So what's a girl to do? Well let me tell you what I did!  I looked for someone to agree with me that I was right.  To affirm to me that anyone would be angry in this same situation, that it was unthinkable how I was treated.  I wanted to whine.  I didn't want to just fly through barn a couple of times, I wanted to build a nest and sit for a while and go over every detail of how wrong it was. 

But God!  You see, I already knew what Jesus wanted me to do, but like Jonah in Jonah 1:3 "But Jonah got up and went in the opposite direction to get away from the Lord." I too went in the opposite direction. I wanted someone to join me in my pity party. alas, no one did. Thank God for wise friends!
So, I did the thing I knew I was supposed to do. Go to God, His Word and His truths. 

He spoke so clearly to me. He reminded me of who I am in Him. He reminded me that His plan for my life may have some difficult situations, rocky relationships and take me to places that are very uncomfortable...but it is all for my good. All of it. And all He wants me to do is Trust Him....bring these weaknesses, these hurts, habits and hangups to Him, so He can heal them and teach me to be more like Him, to respond more like Him.  To be a bright spot even in my own darkness.


So today, I start fresh. I start anew....thanking Him for my weakness. Because it is in my weakness that He is made strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9). Too often I lean on my own understanding when all I really need to do is lean on Him.
Looking forward to walking into a new day with a new attitude and a smile!  Thankful His mercies are new everyday!!!

Train Up A Child

God spoke to me about this verse this morning:

"Train up a child in way HE should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 21:6, emphasis mine.

I began to ponder what this meant to me.  After all, all of my children are now young adults and living on their own.  I certainly still have influence in their lives, but the daily disciplining of a child is no longer one of my duties.

That still small voice of God was so very clear when He spoke to me..."Debbie, so often you are trying to direct your children in a way so that they do not make YOUR mistakes, instead of directing them the way I say they should go."  

Oh my, how true that is!  You see, my path has been quite crooked.  I have stumbled and fallen more times that I want to count.  My life has been broken, shattered and slowly put back together again....and the heartache has been so great that it is sometimes, even now, difficult to speak of it without tears streaming down my cheeks.

But isn't that exactly what brought me to the foot of the cross?  Isn't that why I have become so dependent on my Savior, leaning of the the everlasting arms?   Wasn't it every single loss, heartache and life altering mistake that brought me to Him?

I'm not saying that my children must go through that same path to find Jesus...and I'm not saying I just watch them jump from a cliff....but I am saying, that it isn't my job to direct them in a way that I do not want them to go..but to direct them in the way that Jesus wants them to go....no matter the cost.  No matter what it may seem like to me.

I do not want my children to make the same mistakes I did.  I do want all of my children to live for Jesus.  To love Him, to be world changers for the cause of Christ.  And my part in doing that is directing them in way He says they should go.

One of my favorite verses is 3 John 1:4: I have no greater joy than to hear than my children walk in truth.

So how will I do this?  Pray for and with my children when direction is needed, and let the Father speak before I do.

I'll keep loving them, praying for them and giving much grace and much mercy....just as He has done for me.

Happy Sunday!

My Sister, My Hero

I was an only child...for a little over 3 years...and then my little sister joined the family. Today is her birthday.  A little brother came along a few years later, I'll share more about that when his birthday comes along!

As I ponder the years of our lives, I realize, she is the one that has known me longer than anyone that is involved in my life.  

She has watched me go through so much in life, physical abuse, divorce, bad decisions, good decisions, happy marriage, another divorce.....and life change.  

And we have gone through so much together...our entire childhood, our mom and dad's cancer and their subsequent deaths, giving our lives to Christ, growing in Him and His love.

She is one of my greatest cheerleaders.  

She is so very often the voice of reason. 

I don't always agree with her...but I always listen...she knows where I came from...she knows what I've been through and she never judges me...ever.   

She knows my dreams. She believes in me.  I believe in her. We are great pair.

She speaks the truth in love...and has been the hands and feet of Jesus in my life more times than I can count.

She loves me.  She knows my heart better than just about anyone.  She is so very much like our mama.  She is my hero.  

She is a Proverbs 31 woman:

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. (Proverbs 31:25-26)

Happy Birthday Sandy!!!  I love you more than you can ever imagine!

 

He Watches Me

Loneliness permeates my soul...it envelopes me like a heavy fog...screaming silence deafens me.  My face is streaked with tears...my heart is heavy...my vision blurred.  It is Saturday.  It is beautiful outside....the sun shines brightly....the air is crisp.... still sadness overwhelms me.

I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life.  I thought I would have it all together. 

I don't.  I'm not sure I ever will.  I still struggle with depression, anxiety, loneliness...the list goes on and on and on.

BUT GOD...

I know this one thing...He is not surprised by where I am or how I'm feeling or what today looked like for me.  And He knew that the lyrics of this song would settle deep into my heart and warm my soul, so at just the right time He arranged for me to hear it today to remind me that He watches me....

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,

Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,

When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

• Refrain:
  I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
  For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

1. “Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
   And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
   Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.
2. Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
   When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
   I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I love how He loves me...how He reminds me ever so gently that He is near.  I am so very blessed.  In the silence I can hear His still small voice.  I am loved.

Pits and Prisons

We recently finished a series at church called "Dream to Destiny" that walked us through the life of Joseph.  I've read the story many times, but God wanted me to hear it differently this time.

About 6 months ago, I either fell in a pit or was thrown in a pit....I'm still not sure exactly how I wound up in the pit...but nonetheless...there I was.  Now, I've been in pits before, so I expected I would just jump outta the pit and go on down the wonderful path my Jesus had set for me....well, that didn't exactly happen.  Here's my story.

My pit was very unexpected.  I had come to place that I had received a tremendous healing from hurts of the past (some of my own making, some that I had no control over).  I had allowed Christ to break chains that had held me in bondage for years.  I was wiser, I was bolder, I was much more sure of who I was in Jesus than I had ever been before.  

In my boldness, or perhaps looking back, it was actually pride that had seeped into my very being, I fearlessly shared some things that had caused me some pain in the past with someone I love dearly.  Of course, my expectation was that I would receive a response asking forgiveness and expressing a great love for me.  Yeah, that was my expectation....it's not what happened...not even close.  

The blow I received was so strong that I felt it physically...I wrestled with it...I cried over it...I prayed over it...and then...I did something I didn't even expect....I filtered through that letter with an open heart and found the truth that was buried within it..and I genuinely apologized and vowed that I would make things different.

Again, my expectation was, again, that I would receive a response accepting my apology and joining together with me to heal a broken relationship.  Yeah, that didn't happen either.  Yet, I still did the best I could to make things different.  This is where I went from the pit to prison.  (In my story, we skipped Potifer's house.)

For months, I have been in my own prison.  I have battled back and forth with how to respond, what to do, give up or try harder.  Get angry or love.  Stand with my back turned or my arms opened.  Then last night...an amazing message at church sealed it for me.

Jesus so very gently reminded me that He does have a great destiny for me...and it's not dependent on anyone but Him.  However, He must continue to do whatever it takes to mold me into the person that He has called me to be.  I don't always understand His ways.  His Word says:

For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,  so my ways are higher than your ways   and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9)

Even though the last several months have been painful and I don't completely understand what He is doing...I trust Him.

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. (Job 13:15)

I believe His Word when it says:

But he knows where I am going.  And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. (Job 23:10)

I know that what the enemy meant for evil God is using for good...His good.  In order for me to get to that place He has for me, to my destiny, I'm going to have to spend some times in pits and prisons.  It's in those dark places that I can really see Jesus...not just who He is...but really see Him.  It is in the pits and the prisons that my love for my Savior grows and my character matures.  It is there that my resolve strengthens....the resolve to run this race and run it well.

He is always so very faithful to me....and today, I can say to the enemy with great confidence:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. (Genesis 50:20)

It's going to be a beautiful Christmas season.  I can hardly wait to for the next few weeks to gather together with family and friends!

Merry Christmas!

sometimes

Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I just stop dreaming. Sometimes I just don't understand the way my mind works. The desires that rise up within me. Certainly not healthy desires. Definitely not wholesome desires. Where does this come from? Where did my dreams go? Where are the promises I'm sure God gave me? Is there an expiration date on them? Am I the one He forgot?

God was right on time again at church last night.."Hold On," He said..."listen for my whispers," He said. "If I spoke a dream over you, I WILL bring it to pass...there are no expiration dates," He said. 

Just Hold On!

"And while you are holding on...cling to My truths," He said.

I know those truths He's talking about.  The truth that says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. The truth that says He will use ALL things for good to those who love Him and are called to His purpose. The truth that says, there is ALWAYS a way out when you are tempted. The truth that says He who promised is faithful. To trust He who knows the end from the beginning.

Sometimes you just hold on and trust His whispers and dream again.

Are you going to trust Him or not?