Love...

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

I've read this passage so many times...and so many times I really thought I understood it.  I KNEW what love was...I knew it was patient and kind and not jealous...I just didn't know if I really ever loved anyone that way.  Certainly I hoped I did...hoped I would...but didn't know for sure. 

Recently some events in my personal life have caused me to look deep into my own being...to see who is really beneath this smiling face...to see what condition my spirit is...and I have to share that I have been pleasantly surprised at the person I've found...please let me share...

I've found a woman, who after years of seeking after Jesus, has realized that she has allowed Him to truly change her heart, to mold her into the woman He has called her to be. 

I've found a woman, who leans more towards faith than fear. 

I've found a woman, that has forgiven those who've hurt her and let go of her own want for vengeance. 

I've found a woman who cherishes the life Jesus has given her...that although it's not the place she would have chosen, or even a place that she ever thought she'd be...she is so content with where she is. 

And most of all, I've found a woman that truly loves....not the kind of love that seeks its own...but the kind of love that rejoices when someone else finds a happiness that had been elusive for years...the kind of love that smiles, when she sees someone she loves smiling.  The kind of love that rejoices when someone else finds joy in the moment or when someone else gets a victory....yep, that's the woman I've found in me.  He is so very faithful....He has changed this heart of stone to a heart of flesh.

My circumstances haven't changed, but my heart has...and it's all because of Jesus.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.  (1 Corinthians 13:13).

On this Easter...I am experiencing His love, the one true love...and it couldn't be better.

The Beginning of My Road to Damascus

I went to bed last night filled with a deep sadness. Tears seemed endless. I longed for daddy, I realized how my relationship with Darryl has changed over the years and how much I miss that sometimes.  But probably for the first time in my life the sadness was not accompanied with fear or anxiety. I was in a new and unfamiliar place.

I woke up about 11.30pm last night and rolled out of bed onto my knees and just cried.  You see it was just about that exact time 17 years ago that mama held my hand and said "I love you.  I love you.  I love you." just a couple of hours before passing into eternity.  I hold dear to my heart those sweet words she spoke to me.

I believe that was when my journey on the Road to Damascus began. My life had become very comfortable until then and the first rumblings of a changed life began in the wee hours of March 24, 1994.  I could not have imagined what was in store for me over the next 17 years.


I am thankful for the journey - all of it - but sometimes the losses that I have had throughout the journey still hurt so deeply. It is times like that when my amazing Jesus whispers in the heart of those beautiful people that He has given me to do life with and they give me sweet words of truth, wisdom and love that are a sweet fragrance of comfort and peace and allows me to just feel what I'm feeling and rest in Him.

Thank you my sweet sweet friends and family for continuing on this journey with me.  I love you all so very much.

My Question to God This Morning

Someone asked me this weekend "How do you do it?  You have been believing God for all these years for a restored marriage and there aren't any results after 13 years!  I'm ready to give up now!" 

Well it hasn't been easy and I want to share what happened with me just this morning.

I (for about the millionth time) asked God to "release" me from this stand - I was tired, couldn't see any results, wasn't sure it was really my promise, blah blah blah...BUT GOD

He spoke to me personally this morning....and here's what He asked me: Debbie, what are you going to do differently than you are doing right now? Are you going to just stop loving Darryl? Are you going to treat him with contempt because he's not "on board" with this marriage thing? Are you going to run ahead of Me and try to find something that you THINK you are missing?

My answer:  "No, Lord"...I wasn't going to do anything differently than I do right now.

Then He said to me:  Trust Me.  Trust that I have a plan and purpose for your life, continue to serve those that I have place in your path so that they too may find My love....focus on Me Debbie...not him, or your job or your money or anything else....seek Me first...then all these other things will be given to you.

He still amazes me.  How can I serve you today?

God remembered...

I've had a rather difficult week.  Not sure that I can even pinpoint even one reason for it, but probably a combination of several things:

• waiting to hear about my thyroid ultrasound results
• not sleeping well
• extremely stressful work week
• and a couple of other unmentionables

 So mid-week, the tears began, and they just wouldn't stop...I cried, but I didn't cry in vain and I didn't have a pity party...I cried out to Jesus...I asked Him if He had forgotten me.  I wondered why everything felt so STAGNANT!!  And then...I slept.

But that's not the end of the story...yes, there is a But God...

The following morning a very dear friend came into my office, closed my door and asked if I was okay...well, the tears flowed again as I shared my distress...Mary Ann is a prayer warrior!!   She listened when the Holy Spirit prompted her to come to me and offer words of comfort, reminding me I'm not going through life alone!  I love her.  :-)

Then that evening I had an amazing dinner with Sandy, my sister - one of the strongest women of God I know...and she's a prayer warrior too!!  She too followed the leading of the Holy Spirit and invited me to dinner...it was much needed, and so healing.  I can't imagine what life would have been like without the amazing relationship I have with my sister.  I love her.  :-)

And then...when I got home ... I had received this email from my friend Sarah:

Been praying for you this week and can't get two things off my mind. First off, God is going to do something huge and healing in a way you'd never suspect. Secondly, His timing is perfect. Sometimes the wait is not about you, but about His need to grow others. I love you!

I believe Sarah has the gift of prayer..and her words were so encouraging:  I love her, too.  :-)


All week, this scripture kept coming to my mind....I couldn't understand why...
But God remembered Noah... (Genesis 8:1)

...And then this morning, I read this scripture in my daily reading...
Then God remembered Rachel... (Genesis 30:22)

I don't know about you...but when I look at the events from yesterday, I see what an amazing God I serve.  And now I understand why that scripture was coming to my mind all week long....He said to me .... "And God remembered Debbie...."

I don't know what tomorrow may bring...but I do know Who holds tomorrow...and that brings me all the comfort I need. 

Divorce = Good

Divorce = Good.  I really never, ever, ever thought I would equate divorce with anything good.  I loved my ex-husband dearly, I NEVER wanted a divorce, I WANTED to be married.  But God....

I know that God never wanted divorce either, His word is clear that he hates divorce.  But His word also says:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)

This year I have truly had a Romans 8:28 experience.  This morning as I spent time with my Savior, He shared with me a few things.  I want to take a few minutes and share them with you.

If I had never known the pain of an unwanted divorce, the feelings of inadequacy as a wife; if I had not cried in the darkness from the rejection and abandonment that seemed to overwhelm me; if I had not wandered around in loneliness; if I had not held on tight when everything I held dear in life was destroyed, I would have missed the greatest of all things....love.

I would have never known the joy of worshipping our Savior with my sister.  Listening to the sweet sound of her voice as she worshipped in music, Breath of Heaven...priceless.

I would have never understand the faith of my brother.  He took the time years ago to personally mark scriptures in a Bible that he was giving to me as a gift.  One scripture in particular resonated deeply with me and I have carried it close all these years - Isaiah 43:2 says:

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

I would have never been able to encourage my children with the word of God.  Reminding each of them that He has a plan and a purpose for their lives.  A future and a hope.  That they are beautiful, they are unique, only they can do the purpose God has for them.

I would have never known the meaning of real friendship.  When I was so very lonely, God gave me the gift of my friendships.  Deep, godly friendships. 

I would have never known the faithfulness of our God.  You see, I was so focused for so long on what I lost.  I missed Darryl more than I could imagine.  I looked longingly and hopefully at the closed door of divorce...waiting for the door to swing open.  Slowly, steadily and with much pain, I began to grow in the love of my Jesus.  I began to look around at all He had given me.  I began to sense His presence everywhere I went.  I began to lean more and more on Him.  I began to trust Him in things I had been so afraid of letting go.  I turned my eyes and my heart away from the pain of divorce, and ran into the arms of Jesus.  When that happened, I saw His faithfulness.  He had always been right beside me...He never left me, He never abandoned me...and He opened my eyes to see real love.  Agape love.

Real love from my brother and sister and their spouses...they have prayed with me and walked alongside me without ever turning away.

Real love from my dearest friends....Anisa and Gwen have encouraged me, laughed with me, cried with me, and never turned me away.

Real love from my ex-husband, Darryl....he may not have loved me as his wife, but he always loved me as the mother of his daughters.  The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother....even in divorce Darryl has done that.

Yes, my friends...Divorce = Good.  I allowed myself to grow during these years and draw nearer and nearer to the One who gave me life.  I can truly say my life is amazing...  

Just A Thought...

I know the battle of trying to overcome the flesh....some days I win it...some days I don't...

As I pondered on those days that I just miss the mark entirely - I remembered something I came across recently and wanted to share it:

• When Abraham should have stayed in the land and trusted the Lord, he fled to Egypt because of the drought. And this was by no means the last of Abraham’s failures.
• Moses, in trying to help his people, ran ahead of the Lord and killed the Egyptian. Later, against the command of God, he struck the rock in his anger.
• When David should have been out in the field of battle, he stayed home and committed adultery with Bathsheba and then plotted the murder of her husband.
• Peter, in spite of his self-confidence and his great boast, denied the Lord, as did the rest of the disciples who fled before the evening our Lord’s arrest was over.

I could easily add to that list all the times I "should have, but", I'm sure you can too.  But God reminded me that we are no different than Abraham or Moses or David or Peter - all great men of the Bible.  Though they blew it (some more than others), all of them are known as great men of God today.

 

I am not making excuses for messing up or saying it's just fine to to have your "should have, but" moments, but I am reminded that there is forgiveness waiting from our great God.

 

God does not love me any less today than He did last week before I really messed up. He is not on the verge of throwing me away because I tripped. 

 

No, in fact, He is waiting with open arms and His amazing grace, to kiss my skinned knees, offer a soothing balm to the hurts I have endured and longs to draw me even closer to Him.  His desire is to have me rest in Him when the battle rages within - to cry out to Him when my emotions begin to rage. To find refuge in the One who's nail-scarred hand longs to touch my heart and continue mold into the woman He's created me to be.

 

I was reminded today that He loves me, I am beautiful, and I am a child of the King. He will redeem me, He will restore me, He will draw me to Himself.  I just need to surrender.

 

Happy Thanksgiving my friends.

Hope vs. Faith

Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen.  (Hebrews 11:1a, NLT)

We are currently in a series at  C3 Church in Clayton, NC called Supernatural.  Pastor Matt Fry spoke Sunday on the miracle God performed in the life of Abraham and Sarah by blessing them with Isaac.  At the end of the service Pastor Matt had the ministers and leaders anoint with oil and pray over anyone that was seeking a miracle.

Move forward to today - I was listening to Pastor Steven Furtick online during his 24-hour preaching marathon (http://www.sunstandstill.org/experience) and honestly I was really only half-listening since I was at the office, but I heard him say something that caught my attention - something about "are you standing in hope or walking in faith."  Needless to say, I'm not even sure what the context of the quote was, or even if I heard it exactly right, but I began to ponder.  I ponder often.

I believe (and if  you've been around me for very long you've heard me speak it) that God gave me a promise of a restored marriage shortly after my ex-husband and I separated.  Now for those of you that don't know me, that might seem like a sweet little promise that I'm holding on to, but I'd like to put in perspective...I've been single, separated from my husband for 12 years, divorced for 10.  Yep, that was 12 YEARS, not weeks, not months...years.  Not one date, not one romantic dinner, not one love letter, not flowers or a gift.  Nothing to indicate that my marriage was on the mend.  Soooo, you see, it's been a little while since God shared this promise with me and I'm sure you can understand that I might have wavered occasionally during the last several years.  Even today, there is absolutely nothing in the natural that I can see that would indicate that God has even begun to work that miracle in my life.  But anyway, that's really not the point I want to make today, so back to the "standing in hope or walking in faith" thing.

You see, there was a time that I was fervent in my prayer about my marriage.  I believed without a doubt that God was going to do what He told me He would do, I had confidence that what I hoped for would REALLY happen (Hebrews 11:1) and that's walking in faith.   But, time passed, nothing changed (at least nothing I could see), and actually some of my circumstances even became worse.  I became complacent in my current situation but still continued to "stand in hope".  I just kept HOPING that God would do what He said...I surely didn't have that confidence that I had in the beginning. 

So today when I heard are you "standing in hope or walking in faith", I heard God ask me, "What are you doing Debbie?"  I quietly answered, "Lord, I'm just hoping." 

I was faced with the reality that I was no longer was walking in faith, that I was simply standing in hope. 

BUT GOD!

I am so thankful He gives us second chances (and third and fourth and fifth, etc).  So today, I again begin praying my own "Sun Stand Still" prayer (Joshua 10:12-14) - and I press forward and walk in faith awaiting His promise for me!  Actually, I believe my "walk in faith" restarted on Sunday, because for the first time in a very long time, I walked forward and asked the leaders of my church to pray for my marriage.  I was anointed with oil and this couple prayed over me, not only for my restored marriage, but that my entire family will be drawn to Him and bring Him glory.


I know, it was not a coincidence that my message from God through Pastor Matt and Pastor Steven Furtick were all about miracles.  God wants to do the impossible in our lives!  What promise has God given you?  Are you just hoping that He will fulfill it...or are you walking in faith and truly believing He will do what He says He will? What is your Sun Stand Still prayer??