Search Me, O God...

A week ago, I prayed this prayer: 

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Psalm 139:23-24)

Throughout my journey, I’ve prayed this same prayer on occasion.  I must say that of all the prayers I pray, God always answers this one clearly for me.  This time was no exception.  Allow me to share.

Last night at church a sweet girl prayed over me.  I was weeping and couldn’t even ask for anything specific for her to pray for me…just to pray.  Since she had been in Africa on a mission trip for the last 10 days, she had no idea of my “search me” prayer…but the Holy Spirit did…and He spoke clearly through her…she prayed the heavens down…and I was weeping in agreement, until I heard her speak these words “God, if Debbie is being sarcastic in this season, open her eyes…”  I have no idea what was said after that, but I know this, the scales fell from eyes and my heart.  I was blind, but now I see.

For those of you who know me, you know that I have the ability to make people laugh.  I believe it’s one of the gifts God gave me.  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard, “you should be a comedian.”  But just like anything else in this world, it is easy to misuse the gifts God gives us. 

In less than 12 hours, (and I’ve slept 8 of those), God has given me a clear vision of how I have used this “gift” in ways He never intended for me to use it.  I’ve used it to hide from my pain, cover up my hurt, disguise my anger and camouflage my bitterness.  I’ve used it to tear people down, I’ve used it to build myself up…in other words…I’ve used this gift of humor and turned it into sarcasm. 

sar·casm [sahr-kaz-uhm] noun - (1) harsh or bitter derision or irony (2) a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark

Jokingly I’ve said a thousand times, “Sarcasm is my love language!”  Little did I know how true that was.  I was using sarcasm as my primary means of communication when I found myself in an uncomfortable or undesirable place.  Instead of being real, honest, transparent or taking the risk of looking foolish to someone…I would speak the injurious language of sarcasm.  

There is no way for me to completely grasp the hurt, pain and devastation that have been caused by my sarcasm. 

Jesus said:  And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you. (Matthew 12:36-37)

My heart broke as God revealed to me how I’ve used my words.  How careless I've been with such a beautiful gift to make people laugh.

So, last night I prayed that God would forgive me…and today, if I've hurt you with my harsh words or cutting remarks, please forgive me.  Forgive me for pouring salt into a wound instead of covering you with love and praying you through.  I am so very sorry.

20 years ago today the strongest woman I have ever known breathed her last breath and went to be with Jesus.  I cannot ever remember my Mama resorting to sarcasm for any purpose in her life.  I want to follow the example she gave me.  
 
Now, I have a choice.

Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! (Deuteronomy 30:12)

So, today, I will choose life.  I will choose to use my words to encourage, to nurture, to inspire and yes, even to bring humor…but they will be words of love, joy and hope.
 

Erin, Full of Faith

Last night I had the privilege of hearing my friend Erin Jones bring an amazing message at my church (C3 Church, Clayton, NC). That message was powerful!  It was an on-time message.  It was a message just for me.  But it was so much more than that...can I share with you what God showed me last night?

You see, God didn't let me "just" hear an amazing message and be an encourager to my friend who was speaking for the first time in "big church"....no...here is what He showed me.

As I watched this amazing woman speak last night, I was overcome with emotion as I realized I was watching a beautiful truth unfold before my very eyes - God IS an Ephesians 3:20 God.  That scripture says:  Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

You see, I've watched Erin walk through some incredibly difficult times.  Times that it would have been easy to toss in the towel.  Walk in another direction. Give up.  Quit.  Turn away.  

But Erin is a woman "full of faith".....His power was (and is) at work IN her....and she persevered.  She pushed through.  She continued to put one foot in front of the other, even when it hurt move.  She doubted, but never gave up.  She got angry, but didn't get bitter.  She cried out to the One she couldn't see, about a struggle that she saw clearly everyday in the mirror.  But most of all, she embodied 2 Corinthians 5:7 - "For we live by believing and not by seeing."  She didn't surrender her dreams to the circumstances she could see, she surrendered to the Cross.  She didn't give in to the accuser, she relinquished to the Advocate.  She continued to worship the One who is mighty to save. 

And last night, as this amazing woman stepped up to speak the message that God had laid on her heart, I saw with my very own eyes that God honored her obedience and faithfulness...He did more than she could ever ask or imagine.

Psalm 37:4 tells us that if we delight in the Lord, He WILL give us the desires of our heart...I am so thankful that God has allowed me to walk a while with Erin on her journey and to be able to be witness of Him giving her one of the desires of her heart.

Erin, I am so very proud of the woman God has created you to be and grateful that I can call you my friend! Love you!! The best is yet to come!!

de•pres•sion (diˈpreSHən)

Today, I woke with a heavy heart.  Deep sadness weighed me down.  My very soul ached. 

I looked at this picture that my sweet Aunt Pat posted on Facebook last night and wondered, “Where is that happy, little 3 year old girl now?”

A tsunami of emotions flooded my very being as I remembered the last 50 years.  So much loss, so much hurt, so many regrets, so many wasted years…the tears spilled over my cheeks as I just remembered.

Remembered the beautiful days of long ago…the difficult days that have past…remembered Mama and Daddy and Grandma….remembered Friday nights at Aunt Pat & Uncle Ed's house playing with my cousins.....remembered when I was homeless....remembered the births of my daughters……remembered my marriages (yes, that is plural)….remembered my divorces (yes, that is plural, too)…remembered when the days seemed so long and our home was filled with laughter and tears and the chaos of raising children….remembered happier times….remembered the darkest times….remembered the births of my grandchildren….remembered sicknesses…..remembered deaths of too many that I have loved…...remembered the screaming silence of my home today.....I remembered it all.  

And I remembered the depression.   

I’ve battled depression since 1994, the year Mama died. 

I know the hopelessness that can completely envelope you if you do not seek help.  Depression is not a battle you win alone.  Depression is defined as:

de·pres·sion (diˈpreSHən) – noun severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

So today, as that feeling of hopelessness began to overtake my day and steal my joy, I cried out first to Jesus.

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
    yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
    my cry to him reached his ears.

(Psalm 18:6)

And then I reached out to three amazing women in my life.  Three beautiful, godly women that God has given me to do life with.  Three women that never judge me because of my depression, or taunt me because of my fears and weaknesses and have never used cute little phrases like “just snap out of it” or “a lot of people are worse off than you” or “it’ll get better” … no these women pray for me … but even more than that, they speak life to me.  They speak His truth to me.  They speak life when I’m not able to speak it myself.  They speak to me with great love.

This is what speaking His truth in love looks like:

 It is now just after noon and my mood has already lifted…the darkness of depression has begun to fade as the light of His great love shines brightly on me because Sandy, Anisa and Gwen were the hands and feet of Jesus to me today.  

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

You ladies are my triple-braided cord of hope on earth…you are Jesus with skin on.  I love you with all that I am and thank God for each of you.

Best Friends

This week I listened to a sermon by Perry Noble that rocked my world.  (You can listen to that sermon here:  http://newspring.cc/watch/you-asked-for-it-2013/can-i-be-a-christian-and-continue-to-struggle-with-the-same-sin )

The Holy Spirit used that sermon to break my heart...that is, to break my heart for what breaks God's heart.  Sin...sin that separates me from Him.

I was convicted...not condemned...but convicted.  That's important...conviction draws you to God...condemnation pulls you away.

All of this happened as I drove to work on Wednesday morning.  By the time I reached my workplace, I was a mess.  Mascara and tears stained my cheeks, my eyes were red and puffy from crying...my gracious....it was totally unexpected.  

Yet I knew what I had to do.

At that very moment......not one minute later....couldn't wait until my next church service....couldn't wait to have a conversation with a pastor, leader or prayer partner...no, in the parking lot of my workplace, I wept...I confessed my sin...SIN...SIN....(we don't like to call it SIN, we like to call it "issues", "mistakes", "not trusting") and repented.  And then, I did something to ensure that I would break this cycle of sin in my life...I followed scripture:

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. (James 5:16)

So, immediately I sent a text to my best friend, confessing it ALL....below is an excerpt from that text:

Forever I've never faced that...... is a sin.  I called it "not trusting"...until this morning.  So first I confessed and asked His forgiveness.  I must get this sin out of my life."

The text went on to ask for not only prayer, but for accountability...I asked that she specifically ask me about this sin....call me out... 

Proverbs 28:13 says:  People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.

As I reflected on the last two days, I realized something big...really big...God has given me amazing best friends to walk through this life.  I can be victorious because Jesus is victorious...but having TWO best friends makes my life much more full.

You see Anisa and Gwen, are more than a best friend.  We do a lot more than have fun and use lots of sarcasm with one another....let me just list a few things they are to me:

My accountability chicks
My prayer warriors
My encouragers
Two of my biggest fans
Know more about me than just about anyone
They love me anyway
They know the darkest hours of my life
They know my brightest days
They laugh with me
They cry with me
They hold my arms up in the midst of the battle when I'm weary
They are my Aaron and Hur. (Exodus 17:12-13)

BUT...isn't there always a BUT?

There is this one thing Anisa and Gwen do not do...have never done...not once that I can remember...they do not judge me.  

Never have either of them said to me "Really Debbie?!?!!? Get over it!"  

They just love me.

Several years ago a pastor of mine from another church asked me if I had a best friend...I did not...he said, "Sister Debbie, I'm praying that God will provide that for you."

Within a couple of years God knit this friendship together with Anisa and Gwen.  I cannot imagine my life without them...

A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

I've been attacked...but not defeated...this triple-braided cord is not easily broken!

Do you have that friend?  If not, I'm praying today that God knits you together with a best friend that is more than you can ask or imagine.

Transformed!

On March 27, 2013, I made a life altering decision.  I chose gastric bypass surgery.  This wasn't a decision made quickly - it was one that was years in the making.  Many prayers. Lots of research.  I talked with lots of people who had the procedure.  I was sure I was fully and completely prepared to take this journey.  Finally, I made a decision ....no turning back.  I was ready! 

I would love to tell you that since the day I walked out of the hospital after my surgery that I never looked back, never regretted that decision, but alas, that is hardly the case.  For the first 8 weeks I was sure I had made the WORST decision of my life.  I had mutilated my body, I was NEVER going to be able to eat again, I didn't like this new life at all.  These are just a few of the thoughts I entertained daily. 

Nothing was like it used to be. Nothing!!  For over 50 years I ate when I wanted to eat, what I wanted to eat and as much of what I wanted to eat.  Every single aspect of my life revolved around food. Now, my hands were tied, it was no longer possible to do what I'd always done. (Remember the definition of insanity is doing what you've always done and expecting to get a different result...that's exactly what I'd been doing for most of my adult life!)

Despite the research, my prayers and my preparation, I crashed. Hit a brick wall. Hit it hard. Wasn't sure how I was going to survive the rest of my life with this new rerouted stomach and inability to do what I'd always done.  

I didn't share that part of my journey with many people...I never wanted to be a stumbling block for anyone and I was wise enough to know that everyone may not have those feelings in their journey. So my prepared response when asked how I was doing during that 8 week or so time frame was always the same..... "It's a journey!" 

BUT GOD...

He continued to remind me that He was transforming me...not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

He continued to surround me with the most amazing family and friends that encouraged me, prayed for me and spoke life to me.

I continued to press forward, reach towards the goal, trusting His heart when I just couldn't trace His hand.  I just kept reaching out to Him, believing He was near and He was walking with me.

I'm not exactly sure at what point those feelings began to change, but I realized one day sometime between weeks 8 - 12 that I was feeling better.  My body was shrinking.  I was beginning to feel like a new person.  I wasn't tired all the time anymore.  I could walk short distances without giving out of breath.  I walked with a spring in my step.  New and exciting things were beginning to happen.  I began to eat what I refer to as my "new normal" and enjoy it.

Yesterday, I did something I have never been able to do...I played with my grandsons.  I kicked the ball, ran, laughed played and LOVED every minute of it!  

You see in all of my research, prayers and preparation, the one thing I had not factored in was just how much of life was passing me by....what it meant to play with my grandchildren.  How much fun it was to walk around for hours shopping (window shopping) with my girls.  Not having to sit down every few minutes to rest.

Today, I weighed and on the 7 month anniversary of my weight loss surgery I am so excited to say that I've lost ONE HUNDRED POUNDS!!!!!  That's a lot!  The old life is gone....new life has begun!  

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! (2 Corinthians 5:17)

But more than how much I've lost, is everything I've gained:

• I've gained my health!
• I've gained more energy!
• I've gained a new vision for the life God has always had for me!
• I've gained a new love for the life God has given me!
• I've gained a great love for living!
• I've gained new dreams and new hopes that I could have never imagined!

I can hardly wait to see what God has in store for me and how He continues to transform me into the woman He has called me to be!

in•ad•e•quate

Inadequate - in•ad•e•quate -[in-ad-i-kwit] adjective – not adequate or sufficient; inept or unsuitable.

Synonyms – inept, incompetent, defective, imperfect, incomplete

Ever felt that way? Do you have areas in your life that you continue to fall short? Places you simply cannot seem to overcome.

Have you described yourself as: inadequate, defective, incomplete? Me too. I did just this morning. Just a couple of hours ago. In fact, it the very first thought that entered my mind today was “Debbie, you are so inadequate!”

I know if I’m having these thoughts about myself, you are too. At least on occasion. At least some of you…perhaps not all of you.

You see there is this one place in my life that I continue to struggle…for those of you that know me well, you can probably identify “that” area. All weekend I berated myself for being incompetent, defective and just plain hard-headed. It’s no wonder my first thoughts this morning just picked up where they left off last night.

I dutifully completed my “devotion” this morning…and here is what it said, in part:

“Pain and problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely – even thanking Me for them – is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned bells of Joy throughout heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends out ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles. When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign and I can bring good out of everything. Do not try to run from pain or hide from problems. Instead, accept adversity in My Name, offering it up to Me for My Purposes. Thus, your suffering gains meaning and draws you closer to Me.” (Jesus Calling, October 14)

Even in reading this devotion, my response was not “Thank you Jesus”…it was, “I’m not suffering for You…I’m suffering because I’m an idiot and keep making poor decisions…blah blah blah”

Do you ever do that??? Just decide that your problems are bigger than God…That He’s standing there with His arms folded looking down on you and waiting for you to “help yourself” this time…that the only “good” stuff comes from those circumstances that are out of your control? That when you make poor choices, whether once, or over and over again, that God just throws up His hands and waits it out, until you decide to “do better” next time??

My gracious…that was me this morning…and Jesus so gently spoke to me…in a tender, still, quiet voice…

”Debbie, in Me, you are enough. In Me, you are adequate. In Me, you are perfect. In Me, you are complete. I will use ALL things for good…those situations that I have allowed, and those that you have created, and yes, even those that you create over and over again. I NEVER give up on you. There are people in your life that may have given up on you. There are people in your life that may label you ‘inadequate’ or 'incompetent', but I call you by name, Debbie. You are My daughter. I knit you together in your mother's womb and I knew ALL of you days before you were born. You are more than a conqueror. You are the head and not the tail. You are My masterpiece. I will never leave you or abandon you. There is nothing that can separate you from My love, nothing. Nothing Debbie. There is nothing you can do once or over and over and over again that will separate Me from you. Trust Me, Debbie, I love you with an everlasting love.”

And then, I wept. I closed my eyes and let my body and spirit rest in Him.

He is all I need…and in Him I am full.

And so are you.

Change

For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19)

I'm walking through a season of change.  I surely don't recall asking for it.  In fact, I was quite content.  Settling into the simple life that I had finally become content.

I awoke yesterday morning to find myself in a peculiar place.

A place that I no longer feel comfortable.  

The familiar seems distant.  

Unrecognizable.

The common everyday that I've known for so long is suddenly unraveled.

A misfit.

I'm in a foreign place.  

Unsettled.  

Uncomfortable.

Completely unexpected.

Lonely.

BUT GOD....  

In times like this I have learned the only solace I can find is in clinging to His truth: 

Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. (Psalm 37:4-5)

Because I know Him, I will trust Him as He guides my steps.

Yes, I am a bit nervous.

Unsure of where He is leading me.

A little shaky as I take each step.

But, because I know Him, I will trust Him.

I. will. be. undaunted.