Feel It...

A solitary tear gently rolls down my cheek.

Tears begin to slowly spill from my eyes.

Do not blink.

Do not blink.

DO.NOT.BLINK.

My eyelids flicker, no longer able to hold back the flood of tears, and they cascade down my cheeks. 

I really do not want to cry.

Not now.  Not today.

I do not want these tears to fall.

I do not want…

I do not want to…

I do not want to feel….yes…that’s it…FEEL…

I.DO.NOT.WANT.TO.FEEL.THIS.PAIN.

Rising from the desolate places deep within my soul, the familiar anguish of loneliness and rejection and abandonment and death begin to consume all of who I am.   The intensity startles me…. 

The darkness of depression looms perilously close.

The tears WILL.NOT.STOP.

BREATHE…JUST BREATHE….

Feel what you are feeling Debbie.  FEEL IT…FEEL IT … FEEL ALL OF IT…BUT do not let these feelings DEFINE YOU.

Debbie, you are NOT what you feel. 

No matter how many tears fall. 

No matter how deep the hurt. 

No matter how dark the night. 

You are so much more that what you feel.

You are precious.  Even if you don’t feel precious. 

Because you are precious in My eyes, and honored and I love you…(Isaiah 43:4)

You are loved.  Even if you don’t feel loved. 

For the mountains may move and hills disappear, but even then My faithful love for you will remain.  (Isaiah 54:10)

You are wanted.  Even if you don’t feel wanted. 

I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.  Before you were born I set you apart.  (Jeremiah 1:5)

You are chosen.  Even if you don’t feel chosen. 

You did not choose Me, but I chose you.  (John 15:16)

You have purpose.  Even if you don’t feel that you have purpose. 

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

You have destiny.  Even if you don’t feel that you have destiny. 

And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  (Philippians 1:6)

You matter.  Even if you don’t feel like you matter. 

I am your Creator.  You were in My care even before you were born.  (Isaiah 44:2)

My tears have now subsided …my makeup is a mess, but my heart is full.   

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.  He heard me from His sanctuary; My cry to Him reached His ears.  He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters.  He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in Me.  (Psalm 18:6, 16, 19)

I’ve finished the day strong…not because I am strong…but because His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

He collected my tears and carefully recorded my sorrows.  (Psalm 56:8)  He drew near to me (Psalm 145:18) as I cried out for Him.

He answered…He always does.  Always.  Every.Single.Time. He is faithful.

Weeping may last through the night but joy comes with the morning!  (Psalm 30:5)

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones - But Words May Kill Me.

Words.  It is said that a woman speaks about 20,000 words a day.  That is a lot of words.  A lot.

Recently while working on a chapter regarding the “Power of Your Words” in a study that I am involved in, “Living in Freedom Every Day”, as I began to dive into the chapter, I had the mindset of “already know it…got it…let’s fill in the blanks and move on”.  But that isn’t what happened at all.  Not even close. 

As I was reading the chapter and looking up and writing out the scripture associated with it, Jesus spoke to me so gently … “Debbie, there are words that were spoken to you and over you, as a child, and even up until this very day, that you relive almost daily.  Those words are creating death in your life.   Replace those lies that were spoken with my truth.  Receive the life I have created for you.”

An avalanche of words crashed through my mind, as I collapsed in tears, weeping and almost hearing the voices of those who spoke these words to me.

“Debbie, you are lazy!”

“Debbie you are so selfish!”

“Debbie, you will never amount to anything!”

“Debbie, you will never be able to handle money!”

“Debbie, I never loved you!  Nobody will ever love you!”

“Debbie, you’re such an idiot!”

“Debbie, you are just psycho!”

“Debbie, you were such a terrible mother!”

The list is much longer – but you get the picture…these words…some spoken to me from others, some I spoke over myself – all of them hurt.  They hurt deeply.  It is said "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  That is a lie straight from the pits of hell.  Words can kill me.

Then, I remembered those words that I spoke over others….

“You will end up in jail!”

“You’re such an idiot!”

“You NEVER listen!”

“You are so selfish!”

“Stupid!”

I crumbled beneath the weight of the words I have spoken to those I profess to love and care about.  And I wept...My words were speaking death to their lives. 

BUT GOD…

As I cried out to Him seeking forgiveness to those that I have hurt with my words, He lifted me from that dark heap of emotion and sorrow…and pointed me to His word.

You see, God used words to speak into existence all that was…just read Genesis.

Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. (Genesis 1:3)

And he continued to "speak" for six (6) days.  Creating life.

So God showed us the power of words in the very beginning.  If words were important to Him, shouldn’t they be to us?

Our words are either building up or tearing down...speaking life or speaking death.

His Word is clear regarding the power of our words.  Let’s look at just a few scriptures:

Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.  (Proverbs 12:18)

Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything.  (Proverbs 13:3)

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. (Proverbs 15:1)

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.  (Proverbs 15:4)

Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.  (Proverbs 16:24)

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.  (Proverbs 18:21)

So today, if like me, you have had words of destruction spoken over you (or, like me, you’ve spoken them to yourself) or like me, you’ve spoken them to others…let’s make today, the first day of the rest of our lives in being INTENTIONAL about what words we think and speak to others and to ourselves. 

If words bring death or life – let’s choose life!

How do we do that?  By replacing those thoughts with God’s truth. 

Here are a few examples:

“Debbie, you are lazy!” – God’s truth is “I am fearfully and wonderfully made!” (Psalm 139:14)

“Debbie you are so selfish!” – God’s truth is “He is the vine and I am the branch, if I remain in Him, I will bear much fruit!”  (John 15:4-5)

“Debbie, you will never amount to anything!” – God’s truth is “He has plans for me!  Plans for good and not for disaster, to give me a future and a hope!” (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Debbie, you will never be able to handle money!” – God’s truth is “I can do ALL things through Christ!” (Philippians 4:13) and “God will provide ALL my needs!” (Phillipians 4:19)

“Debbie, I never loved you! Nobody will ever love you!” – God’s truth is “I have loved you with an everlasting love!” (Jeremiah 31:3)

“Debbie, you’re such an idiot!” – God’s truth is “I was made in His image!" (Genesis 1:27) 

“Debbie, you are just psycho!” – God’s truth is “I am new in Christ! The old is gone – the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

“Debbie, you were such terrible mother!” – God’s truth is “He will give back to me what was lost” (Joel 2:25) and “He cast my sin as far as the east is from the west!” (Psalm 103:12)

And how will I respond to (and about) others that I previously spoke death?  Let me share some of those examples too.

 “You will end up in jail!” - God's truth is, "I am confident that God will complete the work He has begun in you!" (Philippians 1:6)

“You’re such an idiot!” - God's truth is, "You are God's treasured possession!" (Deuteronomy 7:6)

 

“You NEVER listen!” - God's truth is, Debbie, avoiding a fight is a mark of honor.  This time, just be quiet! (Proverbs 20:3)

“You are so selfish!” - God's truth is, Debbie, from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.  Examine yourself first and just be quiet! (Luke 6:45)

“Stupid!”- God's truth is, Debbie, whoever guards his mouth, preserves his life.  Just be quiet! (Proverbs 13:3)

 You'll notice most of the time, I should have just chosen to be quiet.  So before we speak, let us THINK

T - Is it True?

H - Is is Helpful?

I - Is it Inspiring?

N- Is it Necessary?

K - Is it Kind?

If I cannot answer a resounding YES! to all of those questions, then it probably doesn't need to be said.

Today, I’m asking forgiveness to those whom I’ve spoken words of death and I’m making a decision today that I will speak life to and about those people God has placed in my path.  

For His word also reminds me of this: 

A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart.  And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak.  The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you. (Matthew 12:35-37 - emphasis mine)

And just one more scripture comes to my mind as I end this writing:

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live (Deuteronomy 30:19)

What will you choose today?  The choice is yours.

No Fair!

How many times in life have I shouted those words?

"No Fair!! I was here first!"
"No Fair!! She got a bigger piece of cake than I did!"
"No Fair!! All my friends get to go to that party!"
"No Fair!! I forgave you and now you're Not going to forgive me?!"
"No Fair!! You said until death do us part!"
"No Fair!! No Fair!! No Fair!!!"

I've muttered (or screamed) those words more times in my life than I care to mention...I've heard them from my children, from my friends, from my co-workers and from my grandchildren...typically, when I respond to someone else shouting "No Fair!",  it's with words of deep wisdom..."Get over it!  Life's not fair."  This always calms the heart and soothes the soul and makes the situation better...NOT!

Oh, but yesterday was a different story.  I had an opportunity to show grace...but nope, skipped that opportunity...I didn't show grace, nada, zip, zero, none...not even close....and although I didn't scream the words, "No Fair!"...my actions spoke them.  My attitude reflected them and my countenance wore them....NO FAIR!

BUT GOD....

Deep within, my spirit was uneasy...there was a stirring that whispered "Debbie, you are set apart.  You are here for such a time as this."  I know I'm supposed to behave differently...life really isn't fair...it was never meant to be...Jesus dying on a cross for my sins wasn't fair...and His response as He hung dying for me wasn't "No Fair!"...far from it...it was "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34)
 
I am aware that how I handle these situations is as important to me as it is to those that God has entrusted me with...and I wasn't handling this one well....not well at all.

And then God led me to Psalm 73.  Seems I wasn't the first to cry "No Fair".

Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?  I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart;
He is mine forever.
(Psalm 73:21-26, NLT)

You see, my attitude wasn't really about feeling that I was wronged...nope, it was pride.  It was "How can YOU do this to ME?!?  I am BETTER than that!"  

Pride makes me ugly.  It makes me think higher of myself than I do others.  It makes me critical, judgmental and holier than thou...it makes me religious...and ultimately it makes me falter, fail and fall.

And that's just what happened to me yesterday...thankfully, failure is not fatal.

I didn't fall off...but I did stumble.  And Jesus was there to help me up.  He gently reminded me that when I'm focused on me, I cannot focus on others.  When I'm self-absorbed with me, I can't give grace to others.  When I'm bitter...I can't be better.

So I've apologized to those I was inconsiderate of (a side note here, I've found that I've apologized to more people in the last three years than I probably ever apologized to in the 50 years before ...forgiveness sets you free...that's another blog post for another day though), confessed my sin to Jesus and been forgiven. (Please notice the PERIOD after forgiven...once I've confessed and turned from my sin..IT IS FORGIVEN!  That sin is cast away as far as the east is from the west - and in case you didn't know...the east and west NEVER meet....again that's a blog post for another time.)

His Word reminds me that His mercies are new everyday (Lamentations 3:22-23)...and today...I'm allowing His joy to fill those places within me that are still broken...to replace pride with humility...to replace criticism with grace...to exchange my ashes for His beauty....to allow more of Him and less of me.

My life is sweeter that way...yours will be too. 

dear daughter

dear daughter,

i woke this morning and thought of you.  
  i thought of how incredibly beautiful you are.  
i thought of how you can make me laugh without even trying.
  i thought of how you handle life so much better than i ever did at your age.
i thought of how wonderful it is to be your mom.
  i thought of how much i miss you some days.
i thought of how thankful i am that you are my daughter.
  i thought of the mistakes i made as your mom.
i thought of the journey you've had so far.
  i thought of the heartbreaking moments you've shared with me.
and the moments you couldn't share with me.
  i thought of your unwavering tenacity to push through the difficulties you've faced.
i thought of the prayers i have prayed...for you...and the prayers i have prayed for me.
  i thought of the little girl that you used to be and the amazing woman you are.
i thought of the dreams you must dream.
  i thought of the fears that you've overcome.
i thought of how deeply i love all of who you are.
  and then i thought of how much i adore you....i simply adore you.
 

love,
mama
 

Where I Am Right Now...

The last two days have been filled with some incredible lows.  I've dealt with these moments since 1994...sometimes they just cloud my day...you know, just seems the sun doesn't shine quite as bright...but then, there are times I find myself completely immersed in the pit of despair, as if I were in the depths of a musky, caliginous cavern unable to see the light.  That's where I was Sunday.

Funny thing about Sunday...if you saw me, you probably didn't even notice the depth of my sadness.  I've mastered the "I'm fine" look...I'm sure you have too.  You see, I attended church, gleefully chatted with friends there, picked up my granddaughter afterwards, spent the afternoon with her and some of my closest friends at a dance recital.  I laughed, I smiled, I fit right in....To the world, I looked "okay"...but on the inside I was screaming...alone in a crowd.  Meandering through the labyrinth of my darkness...trying to find my way out...

There was one small moment on Sunday that rescued me....I didn't even recognize it at the time...I thought it was actually for someone else...turns out, it was meant for me.

The very first thing I have learned to do, is when I'm feeling like this, I MUST go to church...even if I don't want to...I've learned that the enemy would rather have me home wallowing in the darkness...BUT GOD...He always has a plan..

I was sitting in the worship center Sunday morning before the service and there is always worship music playing.  Most of the time I couldn't tell you even one song that was played but yesterday was different.  Sitting alone, these words reached deep into my very soul:  God your plan is the best, but my heart is a mess.  I'm wondering why I'm here.  I'm so ready to be moving on, in my head I'm already gone.  But Your voice is crystal clear.

I immediately grabbed my phone and googled the lyrics...then posted it to Facebook for someone I knew would connect with the words of the song.

But this morning, I realized it was me that needed that song and those words...You see, my heart is still a mess sometimes...and I do wonder why I'm here...I could go on and on about where I thought I'd be...but that's not where I am....

On my drive to work this morning I listened to this song over and over and over - 7 times exactly in case you were wondering.  Praying...asking God to speak to me about what I needed to do to deal with the hurt that I'm feeling and how to see the joy and beauty in today.....and He, as always was faithful...


Thank you Jared Anderson for such a powerful song.


So...what did I do after listening to this song 7 times straight?  I wrote a letter...and then burned it.  There is something that breaks off within me when I'm honest and write down everything that I'm feeling about something...or someone.  Then burning it is my symbol of releasing it all to God.  There are times when there need to be conversations with people that have hurt you...and there are times that you need to release what you are feeling and let God handle the rest...wisdom is knowing the difference.

I've had the conversation before...now I needed to write the letter...and now...I'm feeling light, refreshed and renewed. You see, Jesus said, in Matthew 11:30 "For My yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  What I was carrying was too heavy...I realized I wasn't meant to carry it all. 

So if today your burden is heavy, your heart is aching, you're searching for the joy you once had...give it to Jesus...He's with you where you are right now...and maybe write a letter and burn it.

The Revelation by Sandy Gibbs, Guest Blogger and Little Sister

Today's post is from guest blogger, Sandy Gibbs...my little sister.  Sandy and her husband Ellis moved to Lexington, KY just over a year ago.  Sandy's has written often about her experience in moving...this is one that I asked her if I could share with you, my readers.

Thank you Sandy!  Your vulnerability and transparency through your journey is sure to help many!  Love you sis!!

******
I'm not completely there yet. Still very emotional. But I'm certainly on a better path.

I wrote this last week.

The Revelation

My husband and I moved to Lexington, KY in January 2014. Left a place I called home for over 40 years. Left my adult children, brother, sister, in-laws, many nieces and nephews. Left a church I attended since 1996. Left everything familiar.

The move was a direct leading from God and being obedient was important. I thought I moved willingly. My willingness, however, was only surface deep. I figured I would come to Lexington, do the "work" God had for us and then back to "home".

I have cried nearly everyday since I've been in KY. Praying for answers, praying for direction, praying "Why?"   All I could keep saying is "I want to go back!"  But I knew that would be completely against what God wanted. So, then my new philosophy was "fake it until you make it".  Then I realized nothing would please satan more than for me to fall short of God's plan.

So after a lot of communing with God, the revelation came.  There is no "going back". Even though it's only been a little over a year, many things have changed back home.

There is no going back to my job (there is someone else doing that job). Church, well, many things there have changed, also. Even my house is not the same.  Of course, my family is still there but things with them will always be changing too.

It's time to "live" here, in Lexington. Not just survive. This is not a sentence I've been given. This is an opportunity for God to be glorified. It's time for me to be a willing/working participant.